After the call, this dispatcher sent an officer over to this caller's house so she could be reminded of proper 911 usage. "Dispatcher: '9-1-1. What's your emergency?' "Caller: 'How do I get the cranberry sauce out of the can without it coming out in chunks?' "Dispatcher: 'Open the other end and slide it out on a plate.' "Caller: 'OH! THANK YOU! You are brilliant!'"

We imagine there was alcohol involved in this one. A shower could have prevented this one. "Once we had a young woman call 911 around 2 AM saying that her legs were turning blue. Turns out she had worn a new pair of jeans to the club that night."

A dispatcher of 22+ years advises, "If a caller starts the call with 'I swear I'm not crazy' then you need to buckle up for some insanity." "A guy started a call with those words after escaping from his apartment and running to the closest 7-11. He swore that his roommates were turning into giant crabs," explained the dispatcher. "[He] was going to show the officers that they were currently in giant cocoons transforming. As you might expect he was tripping balls."

The dispatcher was informed that a child was being poisoned. Once EMS arrived, they discovered this (hint: you'll be glad you aren't this kid). "Upon our arrival we find a 14 year old male and his mother. The mother was insisting we take them to the hospital so he could have his stomach pumped because he had swallowed chewing gum. The child was looking at us as if to say, 'I'm sorry my mother is crazy.' "One year later, same address, same family, called for poisoning. Upon arrival we find the same kid and mother. The mother wanted to be taken to the hospital because the kid had admitted to his mother that he had taken a hit of marijuana when he was visiting friends the week before. The kid had the same look on his face."

This might be funny to some people but all women know what this feels like. Being anywhere alone can be scary, and this includes your own home. "We had an old woman call in and say there was two guys dressed in blue trying to break in her house and rape her. So we send about 6 cops over to her house. It turns out it was the gas company reading her gas meter."

One woman's boyfriend got off work early in the morning. He usually gets off around 2 in the morning. It was fire season. Here's what happened. "BF: I'd like to call and report a fire. "Dispatcher: Where is it located sir? "BF: On the hillside just East of [City]. "Dispatcher: Can you be more specific? [Typing away in the background.] "BF: Yes, [gives a more detailed location]. Oh god, it's getting bigger! "Dispatcher: Stay calm sir, we're sending somebody out. "BF: It's getting bigger! Oh god! Oh...oh, wait... "Dispatcher: Sir? "BF: I am SO sorry...I'm not usually out this time of night, I just got off work late...that's, that's the sun... "911: ... "Dispatcher: I am so, so sorry for wasting your time, there is no fire, that's just the sun rising. Never mind. I'm really embarrassed... "911: That's fine, Sir. I will cancel the call, thank you for calling."

One high school student was so worried about a squirrel that she decided to call the cops. "My mom works as a 911 operator. She got a call one time from a girl in gym class at the local high school. She was in a panic and completely serious saying there was a squirrel on top of a telephone pole at the school and it wasn't coming down."

One pizza thrower tried to call the police on the police. A drunk man once called to report that he was being harassed. He was actually being arrested by officers for throwing pizza at other people. "All I heard in the background was one of my officers saying to him 'that better not be our dispatcher on the phone' followed by some muffled talking and my officer taking the phone and saying 'he will be taking a ride with us now' and hung up," the dispatcher wrote. "Still laugh about it to this day."

This one is from an EMT who was dispatched to a sixty-something year-old man. "On arrival instead of finding him experiencing abdominal pain like he told the dispatcher he simply had an itchy belly," he explained. "I get that it itches and that sucks, But do you honestly think this is a good reason to occupy an emergency ambulance? Not only did he make us take him to the ER but asked why we weren't driving with the lights on. Good thing stupid isn't contagious."

At least this young man was in the same ballpark. I guess we should tell our children more than, "If there's an emergency, call 911." "A friend of mine once called 911 when when he was a kid because his aunt was having a baby.... At the hospital."

One prosecutor shared this story about a guy living in a shared house. The landlord provided a microwave in one of the common areas but it was nowhere to be seen. "Dispatcher: 'So... you called 911 because a microwave you don't even own is missing? Did you ask your landlord if he took it?' "Guy: 'Uh, no.' "Dispatcher: 'Well, that's not an emergency, sir. "Guy: 'But I'm really hungry.'"

No one wants to wake up to a frozen Bambi. "Caller: A deer just swam across the river behind my house. "Dispatcher: Okay? "Caller: Well I am worried it might be cold. "Dispatcher:.......Well there is nothing we can do about a deer being cold. Didn't it run off after swimming in the river? "Caller: Yes. "Dispatcher: Well ma'am it's a wild animal and I'd guess it's going to be fine. "Caller: OK."

An older woman secretly slipped her husband a Viagra pill. His erection remained for a long time after that, and she was worried he'd have a heart attack so she called 911. "The husband was laughing his ass off in the background, trying to calm his wife, saying things like 'I bet you didn't think the old buck still had it', and she would keep yelling at him to stop strutting around, he was going to have a heart attack. "They immediately dispatched an ambulance but after talking with the wife realized she had no reason at all to assume her husband was having a heart attack and in fact she was panicking for nothing, after checking him out, the first responders left and the poor old lady was chastised for slipping the pill and apparently was mortified that everyone knew about her sex life. The husband was happy, cracking jokes and laughing the entire time."