Santa’s going straight on the Naughty List this year and not for sneaking an extra cookie. We’re talking full-blown tabloid Santa. Red suit wrinkled. Beard askew. Breath smelling like eggnog and bad decisions. This is the Santa who shows up late, hugs too long, and laughs at jokes that definitely didn’t age well. Somewhere, a reindeer is calling an Uber.

You’ll see the drunk Santa wobbling while he tries to get to your house… better hope he doesn’t. Santa getting arrested, cuffs over the cuffs. Too many parties. Too many traditions. Too many years of doing the same job without a decent dental plan.

So this year, forget sugarplums. The real Christmas miracle is Santa making it home without a mugshot. Naughty List? He wrote his own name on it in permanent marker. Because even legends crack, even heroes unravel, and even Santa sometimes needs to sit down, hydrate, and seriously rethink the eggnog.