Level 1. “Are you sure this has got alcohol in it?” You’ve had one drink, maybe two but you’re not feeling it at all. You wonder if you’ve built up some kind of immunity to alcohol – you say to your friends “I can’t feel these drinks at all” – they’re impressed. You’re not, when will I be drunk?

Level 2. Oh, there it is That moment when you start to feel it kick in, you’re still in complete control of yourself but you know the alcohol is there. This is usually announced with a “Yep, I’m feeling it. I definitely know I’ve had a drink” to any of your mates willing to listen.

Level 3. Everybody’s best mate You’re feeling chatty, really chatty. People who you’d never be interested in usually suddenly become creatures of fascination. You must ask them questions you wont listen to the answer to, whilst you wait (im)patiently for your turn to respond.

Level 4. Tipsy This moment is usually discovered after the first toilet trip. That brief moment alone on the loo when you realise, I’m actually a bit pissed – I’ll be drunk if I carry on (which I will, of course.)

Level 5. Life and soul You’re smiling at all the people you’ve just met, you’ll probably be dancing even though you’d never dance usually. You’re pretty sure everyone around you loves you. You’ll probably start eyeing people up; the confidence seeps from your pores.

Level 6. Drunk denial All inhibitions are diminished by this level. You’ll probably find yourself in the smoking area or in the toilets talking to people you don’t know. You’ll be all smiles and you’ll probably think now is a great time to do shots. You’re convinced you’re not drunk, not nearly drunk enough anyway.

Level 7. Welcome to euphoria THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT EVER! You’ll probably say that at least five times, to the same person. You’ll tell your best mate you don’t do this enough and you need to go out more often. Hugs will be aplenty. You wish the night could last forever.

Level 8. The clown stage When you hit this stage, you become the friend who takes things slightly too far. You’ll dance like a fool and do just about anything to get laughs and attention. If you meet anyone with glasses you’ll take them off without asking. At level 8, you’re a bit of an annoying tosser.

Level 9. “You must play the trumpet because you make me horny” As the night goes on, your mind heads southwards. Where are some pants and how do I get in them? You’re feeling sexy as fuck and you’re pretty sure you could get just about anyone. The beer goggles are active and 5’s become 8’s. You’ll insist on talking to your friends about sex and how much you love it.

Level 10. The text-your-ex stage Maybe your attempt at pulling didn’t work out or maybe the alcohol has fuelled a trip down memory lane. At this level of drunk, people should probably remove your phone from your person, you’re a danger to yourself

Level 11. Aggressive You’re utterly shit-faced and people are getting on your nerves. “Why is everybody here tonight intent on killing my vibe?” – by this stage of drunk, you’ll have absolutely zero chill. You’ll start arguments with strangers, when your mates tell you to calm down, you’ll start on them too.

Level 12. The kebab As soon as you hit level 12, thought of further drinking, frolics or fighting escape your mind in favour of food. Something greasy and calorific is preferable. You’ll forget you just told all your friends to do one and you’ll now invite them along to join you for a feast. All will be well when food is found.

Level 13. The blackout Nobody who reaches this stage will be able to confirm exactly what they did, what they thought or why.