The 1980s were a golden age of stand-up, and the jokes from the best comedians of the decade live on.
Comedians are everywhere these days, but the loss of these legends is definitely felt. Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Joan Rivers and more left a void in entertainment - but at least they left us with a lot of great material.
Here are some of the best jokes from the best comics of the 1980s no longer with us.
1
"I had a girlfriend who thought I was afraid of commitment. I said, 'No, I’m afraid of you.'"
- Garry Shandling
2
"My therapist said I have abandonment issues. So I left him."
- Richard Lewis
3
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
- Joan Rivers
4
“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”
- Robin Williams
5
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
- George Carlin
6
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror."
- Rodney Dangerfield
7
"If God didn’t want us to eat carbs, why did He make pasta so delicious and sadness so hard to digest?"
- Dom Deluise
8
"I don’t mean to sound bitter, cynical, or cruel—but I am, so that’s how it comes out."
- Bill Hicks
9
“Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.”
- Richard Jeni
10
"White people get evicted differently. They get notices. Black people get surprises. ‘Where’s my couch?!’ ‘Oh, you didn’t hear? You don’t live here no more.’"
- Richard Pryor
11
"Marriage is just like a coffin and each kid is another nail. You start off as this happy person, then one day you’re just screaming at a little stranger to stop touching your stuff."
- Sam Kinison
12
"I told my doctor I want to die with dignity. He said, 'Lose 150 pounds and I’ll think about it.’"
- Louie Anderson
13
"Every time someone dies in Hollywood, they say ‘they were taken too soon.’ Have you seen some of these people? Too soon?! They were on their fifth face!"
- Gilbert Godfried
14
"My ex-wife said she wanted half. So I gave her the left side of everything—left the house, left the car, left the bank account."
- Robert Shimmel
15
"They tell you to get to the airport three hours early so you can stand in line for two and a half hours and get yelled at for not taking off your belt fast enough."
- David Brenner
16
"I went to a shrink. He said, 'You’re crazy.’ I said, 'I want a second opinion.’ He said, 'Okay—you’re ugly too.’"
- Ronnie Shakes
17
"My sister left her kids with me. Didn’t leave no instructions—just diapers and a prayer. One of ‘em bit me! I said, ‘Lord, take the wheel, because I’m about to take this child out.’"
- Bernie Mac
