Sometimes, meticulous craft and attention to detail can bring the biggest laughs.
Comedy comes in many forms. Angry, rambling monologues, short stories, five-minute bits, sketches - the list goes on and on. But some of the most memorable are the tight one-liners. Comedians like Steven Wright and Mitch Hedberg did away with the traditional stories and long-form bits in favor of quick, sharp lines that cut through all the noise.
These comedians prove that bigger isn't always better.
1
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
- Steven Wright
2
“I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'”
- Emo Phillips
3
“I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.”
- Anthony Jeselnik
4
“100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.”
- Demetri Martin
5
“I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.”
- Anthony Jeselnik
6
“Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”
- Demetri Martin
7
“I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to too.”
- Mitch Hedberg
8
“I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital’.”
- Demetri Martin
9
“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
- Mitch Hedberg
10
“I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
- Jack Handey
11
“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.”
- Mitch Hedberg
12
“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
- Emo Phillips
13
“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”
- Jack Handey
14
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who would be real mad if she heard me say that."
- Mitch Hedberg
15
“You don't know the first thing about pain until you've seen your own child drown in a bathtub. And you definitely. Don't know anything about how to wash a baby.”
- Anthony Jeselnik
16
“I went to the General store, they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”
- Steven Wright
17
“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.”
- Jack Handey
18
“I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.” If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.”
- Steven Wright
19
“I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.”
- Jack Handey
20
“There’s a fine line between fishing and stand on the shore like an idiot.”
- Steven Wright
