When my jam comes on in a club.

When Im drunk and try to order food.

When my teacher tells us to find a partner for our next assignment.

When the person next to me at dinner orders what I wished I had.

When my girlfriend tells me I've left my computer unlocked and shes going to go on it.

When I check my bank account after a heavy night of drinking.

When I see that a friend forwarded an email to get 10,000 from Bill Gates or liked a photo to help a little girl get a new heart.

When I forget to bring my phone to the bathroom.

When a comedian tells a joke that all men are cheaters in front of my girlfriend.

What its like as a sober guy among'st my stoned friends.

My coworkers and me when an office email goes out saying theres free food in the kitchen.

What I told my parents when I realized I wasn't attractive.

When I find my roommate masturbating in the closet.

When someone wants to sit next to me on the bus.

When a strange old man comes to the playground where my son is playing.

When my parents started talking about where each of their kids was conceived.

When its Friday.

What it feels like whipping out your wiener in front of a girl while being drunk.

Watching smokers go stand out in the pouring rain.

When the toilet clogs on the courtesy flush.

When I go to get a drink at a friends house, and his parents are arguing in the kitchen.

Whenever someone deliberately acts stupid for attention, i.e jumping over hedges after one beer.

When Google Maps isn't working and my girlfriend asks me if I know where Im going.

When the waitress tries to stack another dirty plate on her pile.

When my girlfriend says that we are going to the mall to buy me new clothes.

When I have the munchies and run into a cop at Taco Bell.

When I make eye contact with an attractive woman.

My girlfriends reaction when I finish before her.