According to The Guardian, the University of Michigan has hired private, undercover investigators to monitor pro-Palestinian groups on campus. This involves following them both on and off campus, secretly recording their activities, listening in on their conversations — and, after being caught, hitting their arms to their chest and offering a Simple Jack-level performance.

Of course, this isn’t the worst that these “investigators” have done. They’ve made these students’ lives hell, and in some cases, they’ve even threatened students and almost run them over with their cars. Is that what we call investigating these days?

In an email to The Guardian, the university didn’t deny that it had hired investigators, nor did it apologize for the terrible things that these investigators have done, but it *did* say that it “does not condone or tolerate any behavior by employees or contractors that demeans individuals or communities, including those with disabilities.”

Hope that clears everything up!

Watch this private investigator hired by University of Michigan to surveil Palestine organizers pretend to be disabled when confronted by a student. https://t.co/BbarZdqLzrpic.twitter.com/iPfLMqb6Jz

— Sam Robinson (@samueljrob) June 6, 2025