15 lies you tell yourself

15: You're not impressed by famous people- Although your legs did go a bit wobbly when Harry Enfield called you a 'tart' outside starbucks.

14: It's cool to go on holiday by yourself- No friends, no girlfriend. Sitting alone at the bar, striking a conversation with the barman and texting your mates back home. Ahhh independance.

13: You're more attractive than the girls your mates set you up with- If the girls can't keep up with your genius, you might have to have a word with the lads about the munters they keep recommending.

12: She'll be on the pill- As you drunkenly convince anyone who will listen 'condoms don't feel nice', you fail to realise that this is a damn sight better than 'paying for a bastard for the next 18 years'.

11: Your hairline's always been that far back- You've just got a large forhead, that's all!

10: You don't neeed to go to the doctor's- If only because it's obvious you're dying. What's an hour spent flicking through old copies of Hello! magazine before being bollocked by a bloke who looks like an off duty rugby player going to do to help the situation?

9: You can just be friends with her- Because that's what a red-blooded man does; plies all his platonic friends with booze, 'playfully' stares at their tits and slowly lifts up the blanket for a 'peek' when they've drunkenly crashed out on his sofa.

8: You can fit in with people from any social status- Apart from poor people who shop at Somerfield. (christ, they're frightening.)

7: You're comfortable around drugs- Although you always do panic about pigs bursting in through the ceiling like that SAS siege of the Iranian embassy. And what if God really is watching?

6: You're a charming drunk- Perhaps it was just your medication disagreeing with the booze when you threw your peanuts at a passing woman, forced a stranger to let you buy him a pint then strangled the barman when he called for last orders.

5: If you were a millionaire footballer you wouldn't behave like the rest of them- Mind drifts into fantasies of threesomes, fast cars and little people utterly ignored in favour of the model/ hooker filled parties.

4: The 80's were brilliant- Corr, smash robots eh? Skinheads.... race riots, industrial unrest.... thatcherism, mass unemployment, fluoro socks and Roland Rat?!

3: You can fix that knocking in the engine- Followed swiftly by a phonecall to dad to ask him what he does when a spanner falls into the engine block, the radio's jammed on 'white noise' and the suspension is bouncing up and down of it's own accord, like in a Snoop Dogg video.

2: You'd be pretty tasty in a fight- In the sense that you'd be the first one to completely panic, get beaten fair and square and then stab the other bloke in the arse as he was walking away. Who cares if he was 12? He shouldn't have started it.

1: You totally understand whats going on in the news- Who are you kidding, you can barely follow the plot of The Office these days.



Uploaded 06/27/2008
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