16: Turning the pillow onto the cold side- And briefly imagining what lying on a mortuary slab might be like.
15: Typing your out-of-office e-mail message- Ideally including the words 'three-week diving excursion' and 'the maldives'.
14: Having a bath at your mum's house- With a magic boiler that never runs cold, and magic towels that pick themselves up off the floor, there's no place quite as relaxing. Straight off the train, the cursory peck on the cheek for the old bird then straight into the tub like a pale, lanky otter.
13: Lifting weights so hard you fart really loud- A happy accident that makes you feel like a true olympian. Once you're totally certain that you haven't unpacked your suitcase in your pants of course. Because 'winners don't do that'.
12: Being at a cafe when you should be at work- Footloose dreams of being a 'face' in an early Michael Caine film, enjoying a third sugary tea while chortling at the pathetic wage slaves running off to work for 'the man'. Before shitting it when your boss phones.
11: Unwrapping man-toys- The heady rush of that 'new gadget' smell. The thrill of bleeding edge technology. And the numbing sense of taking it in the ass from a NASDAQ multinational who knew all about 'built in obsolescence'.
10: A girl saying yes to a date- After spending an hour getting the balls together and practising: 'I was wondering if you fancied meeting for a drink?' And being sure of the ever-condemning opener of 'i'm really sorry...'.
9: Visiting a farm and patting a shire horse- Satisfyingly solid.
8: Being 'that guy'- Okay so it happens once in your life. Two tops. But it doesn't matter. In front of people who never knew your name you were untouchable. Every joke came off, every dance move hit the beat, every story was timed to perfection. Women coo'd, men carried you shoulder-high from the bar. In that arena, you were and forever will be 'that guy'. They loved 'that guy'.
7: Starting a chant at a sports event- Chess is a sport.
6: Being upgraded on a plane- Who cares if you had to blub at the check-in? Turning right when you walk onboard is for losers.
5: The morning after- No, the good kind. Walking home from a girl's house on a crisp sunlit sunday morning, still in your tux from the night before, bowtie unfastened around your neck like you're in a provincial Boyz II Men tribute band. A spring in your step, a wry nod to the old guy walking his dog- nothing like another night of dodging bullets.
4: When the train doors stop right infront of you- See? Making the same commute for the last six years means something.
3: Being called by a headhunter- Suddenly, you're seeing your boss tearfully waving at you from the lobby. You're visualising tearful PA's, ruefully acknowleging you were always destined for better things. And that basically, you're a whore who'd eat babies for an extra £1,200 a year.
2: Delivering a witty put-down heard by at least three people- So what if he's only three feet tall and wearing a spiderman backpack? He kicked a sponge football into your front garden. Frankly he's lucky to get away with just a Wildean retort.
1: Doing a good deed for a pretty lady- For example: carrying her luggage upstairs at a train station. But- and this is key- then replying to her gratitude with a curt 'not a problem' and walking off into the sunset. Like Clint Eastwood.