A Crazy Ex

I wrote about this in a comment on one of DirtySanchez's blogs last night. It's about a long term relationship I was in years ago. I was young and felt I needed a girlfriend and settled for someone who was OK for me at the time but I would never seriously date her today. If I was between relationships I would still bang her, don't get me wrong. I have very low standards when it comes to poon.

We had been together for a couple years and she was somewhat jealous. She didn't like me looking at other chicks. She didn't like me to masturbate and there was NO WAY she wanted me looking at porn.

One time she found a receipt for a swimsuit mag I'd bought and was questioning me about it as we were driving. I finally confessed and she opened the car door and was going to get out of the car. I stopped to let her out but paced her talking her back into the vehicle.

If some crazy bitch did that today I would let her walk, go back home and jerk off to pictures of her sister, spoodge in the toilet and leave it there. I would leave the seat up just to fuck with her.

We had a favorite coffee shop who had just hired a new barista. She was my ideal, fantasy chick. Sarah Silverman type, skinny brunette, straight hair, full lips on her slightly-too-big mouth, and dorky. I LOVE DORKY CHICKS!!!

I was trying to be good and work on my relationship with BigBertha so as we sat in our little coffee joint enjoying an almond mocha and one of their fabulous homemade chocolate chunk cookies, I made a point to sit with my back to the counter where my crush was working. I did not let my eyes stray. I stared into the eyes of my 'love' and engaged her as she chatted about whatever innane bullshit must have been streaming from her mouth.

Victory was mine. I made it the whole way without looking at my fantasy chick. I was feeling good as we walked to the car. I just knew I had scored some brownie (or tollhouse cookie) points. Suddenly, however, I received an elbow to the ribs. Hard. Again, if this happened to me today I might have to smack a bitch but I simply asked her WTF.

Her reply (and I shit you not) was, "I SAW you looking at the reflection of that SKINNY bitch in my glasses!"

I was with GlassesChick for 5 years. She broke up with me and a week later I met the woman I would marry 8 months later. She was a skinny little Latina who didn't care if I checked out other chicks. She divorced me 3 years later. I went the next 10 or so years just dating and boning chicks. I have been in a happy HEALTHY relationship for a year now. She wears glasses. I'm careful.

Uploaded 01/12/2009
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