George was an early American with a huge problem.  He needed food and shelter and needed it quick and cheap. Unlike any other rational human, he planned a trip to Canada. He decided it would be easiest to get a bunch of his friends through promises of finding a more care-free and easy lifestyle to set sail with him in his sole possession; a ship named Labia of Arabia.

By the first meal, they discovered they didn't have any women on board to cook. Off of memory, they attempted to make something themselves.  This unearthed a second problem: George was only able to find the over-abundant and really dumb crew members. They couldn't read, so instead of stealing what they thought were bags of flour, they stole bags of sugar.  As a result they invented candy.

Eating nothing but sugar and beef jerky caused much tooth decay which gave them speech impediments, or what we know as the "Southern American Accent" which is still prevalent in toothless Americans today.

But, George was as innovative as he was lazy.  He started taking notes to teach the people upon his return. His teachings eventually gave birth to many institutions and values of the historic American culture we still know today, such as women being the property of men so they could take them on their travels as cooking tools, entertainment, and fapping to their videos on eBaumsworld.

Alas, they landed in Canada. Canadians felt sorry for them with their toothless mouths and morbid weight gain due to their on-board diet and offered their charity. In exchange for candy, the Canadians taught the Americans about survival.  Instead of killing a bunch of animals for only the "beef jerky parts", they proposed using the unwanted parts --even their poop-- as resources so they didn't need as many animals to feed and kill.

They made gravy out of the drippings from cooked meats and flour. The Americans actually thought Canada was ripping them off, until one Canadian took a piece of pig intestine and stuffed it full of left over, and the not so desirable meats and spices.  They were very reluctant to try this penis-looking concoction, until bicurious George tried it's tender, easy-to-gum texture, and surprisingly decent taste, which was much better than real penis.

He cried "Hawt Diggity Dawg! I recon we's dun gots sum'm 'ere!"

Eventually they replaced their candy diet with the hot dog diet, and spent most of their days helping Canadians make the delicious penis-shaped food. The invention of the Hot Dog was the main reason the Americans initially warmed up to the Canadians. (Only to fuck with them less than 100 years later, when the Canadians charred a building and claimed they won a war).  Since they did not bring any American women with them, they began to mate with Canadians, sparking what some believe to be the odd bromance/rivalry we have today. This is where homosexuals originated.

The Americans started losing weight.  They were benefiting so much from their new lifestyle that they almost completely lost focus on their initial goal of finding an easier and more luxurious way of life. They really had no reason to leave Canada and their way of life, until of course winter came.  Having lost so much weight, fornicating with Tyaeda and working with the rest of the Canadians, that the winter weather was too unbearable without their candy-and-smoked-meat-induced insulation.

Winter rekindled the want for an easy-going, laid-back lifestyle. Once spring melt began, they prepared to set sail for new, and warmer lands.

Canadians no longer respected them as the heroine genius-candy-inventing travelers they once were. Despite their differences, Canada was too nice to send them out on a doomed suicide mission without supplies, and packed up their new neighbors and baby daddies with some of their extra resources, and sent them on their way. After underestimating the intelligence and pride of Canadians, the Americans left with their recipes for Hot Dogs and Candy, but not before both sides developed ever-lasting stereotypes about the other.

"Americans are greedy, lazy, thiefs!!!"

"Canadians live in igloos and live off Maple Syrup!!!"

Both disguised the Canadian use of the candy recipe and downplaying their invention of the hot dog - each claiming it as their own.

Where they were going now?  They figured if they go farther South than America, they will be even warmer there than in America.  But what would they find?

To be continued...

(yeah that's right Tyaeda, I'm making this blog extra not long just for you)

(and W.C.)

(and the rest of us)