My men's league basketball team made it to the finals. We squeaked into the playoffs on a tie-breaker (the other team didn't show), and then somehow managed to win every play-off game leading up to the finals.
It was the championship game, fourth quarter, four minutes to go, and things were getting a little chippy. We're up by one, and the guys on my team refused to let me sub off, probably because I thrive when the game starts to get a little nasty. This dude on the other team who thinks he's Larry Bird jacks a three, and I get into position for the rebound (he's gone 2 for 10 in the game). As I jump and extend as high as I can, I get pushed from behind. This causes me to instinctively extend my body backwards, reaching for the ball, in a way that my body wasn't meant to stretch, at least not since I was eighteen.
The result was the all too familiar shooting pain of a pulled muscle in my back. I called time-out as I writhed in pain on the ground with the ball in my hands.
I got up and limped to the bench, grimacing in pain. One of my buddies, knowing what happened, reached into his bag and passed me some shit called "Deep Cold". I've never used any A5-35 type of stuff before, but in this situation, it was any port in a storm.
I rubbed this icy blue shit all over my lower back and within seconds, evry ting was irie. This shit burned like a motherfucker on my back, but before I knew it, I was loose, felt no pain, and was ready for more. I jumped right back into the game and played my ass off.
With one minute left in the game, after sweating profusely, I started to feel something I've never felt before in my life. Apparently, "Deep Cold" does not completely absorb into your skin. The sweat from my back, due to the force of gravity, was running down between my ass cheeks.
Fuck Waterboarding. Nothing could be more excruciatingly painful than fucking Deep Cold on your ass-hole. When it hit me, I ran off the court screaming like a little girl. Everyone had thought that I had pulled another muscle, so they didn't over react. I ran to the locker room, stripped down naked and turned on the shower. I bent over and spread my butt cheeks so the cold shower could ease the pain of my sphincter on fire.
While enjoying the immense relief of the refreshing cold water on my ass-hole for a couple of seconds, my team came busting in the locker room hooting and hollering celebrating their fresh championship victory....Until they saw me...Bent over with both hands spreading my ass cheeks, showering my corn hole with a smile of relief on my face.
They still haven't called me back for next season.
P.S. Please be aware that the bulk of this story is factual.