Bodily Secretions and Their Necessities for Men and Women

*Repost numero dos.*

Men and women have different releases that need to be performed on a regular basis in order to keep them from murdering people.  The final result of both of these releases is the secretion of bodily fluid.  These are different fluids, and the one that applies to males should be obvious, if not the first conclusion your mind led you to.  The female secretion is less obvious to most.  The fluid us women need to periodically rid our bodies of is tears.  Women need to cry, why, I do not know.  In fact, many women will deny this fact until they're blue in the face, but it's true.  As there is no shame for men and women in having these human needs, there are also many other similarities between them:    


* Both needs are not readily understood by members of the opposite sex.  In fact, if a significant other catches their lover alone and engaged in the activity, they immediately assume it's their own fault due to lack of a fulfilling relationship.  Resentment and the exclamation of "I am not a machine!" result in most cases.    

* For many men and women, one of the ultimate humiliations is being caught engaging in release that is believed to only be necessary for the members of the opposite sex.  

* If a man or woman is known to exhibit the needs more common to the opposite sex, they are labeled negatively.  Though potential lovers of these people claim it's a trait they've been looking for in a partner all along, deep down they have trouble respecting the person because of it.   

* A more prepared person will equip themselves with a box of tissues before engaging in the necessary course of action for the release.  

* The ideal location that leads to the most satisfying experience is an empty house.  This way one can avoid the fear of being caught in the act or even overheard, and then having to fumble for an explanation while trying to hide embarrassment.  

* Engaging in this activity in the workplace is tacky and unacceptable.  Even if you think you're being discrete, your co-workers can likely hear you anyway.  It's an uncomfortable situation for all.  

* Corporations often shamelessly ignore the actual purpose of their products and create commercials based on either sensuality or sentimentality to subconsciously appeal to these needs of men and women, even when advertising such banal products as shampoo or canned soup.  

* Another ideal location for these releases is in the shower, where privacy is likely ensured, and evidence is so easily disposed of.  

* A source of embarrassment for a parent is when their child, too young to know better, engages in these activities publicly.  

* Heterosexual couples can often have relationship problems due to the fact that it seems impossible to get one's partner to willingly participate, more and more as time passes.      


One definite difference I noticed between the releases of men and women are the lack of films dedicated to aiding in the outcome for women.  I know many of you are thinking "chick flicks", but I have to respectfully disagree, for chick flicks are mostly an hour and a half of build up for two minutes of crying - Are you picking up on the reason it's called a tear jerking scene?  There is an enormous market of films for men that consist of two minutes (or less) of build up for an hour and a half of payoff!  This is blatantly unfair, and I already have several film concepts to even things out for us ladies.  As I know that Ebaum's World is the ideal place to share ideas if you wish to be ripped off, I shall refrain from divulging the plots of "Cry Another Day", "Sunday Mourning"  or "Sobbing Tiger, Guilt-Ridden Dragon" and share another idea I had.  Many websites and independently released movies have compiled famous or rare movie scenes that are entirely made up of nude and/or sex scenes.  If I ever get around to researching copyright laws, I shall compile the following scenes for women (spoiler alert for several movies.  If you haven't seen the title written in bold, skip to the next one):  


"The Lion King" - Mufasa dies while Simba cries under his paw.  

"Field of Dreams" - Ray plays catch with his father's ghost.  

"Old Yeller" - This is the "Basic Instinct" of the female counterpart genre.  If you don't know the tearjerker scene from this movie, it's time to climb out from that rock you've been hiding under.  

"The Cure" - The last 20 minutes or so of the entire film.  

"Million Dollar Baby" - Again, the last 20 minutes or so of the film.

"Steel Magnolias" - Shelby dies, and M'Lynn drives to pick up her grandson (ultimate cry scene for me, complete with violins playing in the background).  

"Saving Private Ryan" - Captain Miller gasps "You earn this," to Pvt. Ryan.  Fast forward to the future when Ryan stands at Miller's grave, and says to his wife "Tell me I'm a good man.  Tell me I've lived a good life."  

"Street Fighter II" - This Jean Claude Van Damme classic...nevermind.  Not the type of "sad movie" I'm looking for.  

"Willow" - The opening sequence when the hellhounds kill the nursemaid as she sends the baby down the river to safety...what, that part didn't make you cry?  You monster!  

"I am Legend" - Robert Neville is forced to smother his dog, Sam, after realizing she's been infected while saving his life.  

"Forrest Gump" - Forrest finds out he's a father, and fearfully asks if his son is smart or like him.    

"Rudy" - Rudy takes the field / Rudy gets the sack, is officially recorded as a Notre Dame player, and is carried off the field.

"It's a Wonderful Life" - The whole town saves George from going to jail by digging deep into their own pockets.  Clarence gets his wings.


Of course there's a ton more that I don't feel like listing right now.  Really, I'm just hoping that someone else will go through the trouble of making the compilation, and do it quickly...I could use a good cry.

Uploaded 06/15/2009
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