Cassanova, I Am Not

GIRL: Hey....

ME: .....

GIRL: Hey!!

ME: Hm?

GIRL: Quit staring at my chest, asshole.

ME: I wasn't. I was staring at your collarbone.

GIRL: Oh come on! What kind of freak stares at collarbones!?

ME: The kind that likes breaking them.

GIRL: ........


ME: Hi.

GIRL: Uh..... hi.

ME: Do you want to dance?

GIRL: Not with you.

ME: What?

GIRL: I said I don't want to dance with you.

ME: No, you misunderstood. I said, "your ass looks fat in those pants".

GIRL: Fuck off.


ME: Can I buy you a drink?

GIRL: You can, it won't get you anywhere, though.

ME: Well, that's too bad. Is there something wrong with me?

GIRL: I only date older guys.

ME: I'm 23. You look 21 at most. What's the problem?

GIRL: Listen. I'm a mother. You're way too immature to understand what it's like being a parent.

ME: On the contrary. I have a daughter myself, and I'm more than mature enough to realize that that has nothing to do with my ability to fuck you until you squeal like a pig.



ME: Do you have a cigarette?

GIRL: I don't smoke. Sorry.

ME: What a coincidence! I don't either.

GIRL: Then..... why did you ask me for a cigarette?

ME: Just looking for an excuse to talk to you, I guess.

GIRL: Uh huh......

ME: .............

GIRL: Listen, you seem really nice, but I'm not interested.

ME: Interested in what? We haven't even had a conversation yet, and you're throwing up all these road blocks!

GIRL: Yeah, and you'd better quit now before I throw out a spike strip.

ME: Hey, that's pretty clever. While we're on the subject of automotive metaphors, how many potatoes can you fit in your tailpipe?

GIRL: Oh God......


ME: Look..... I'm just trying to have a decent conversation with somebody tonight. Do you think we can have at least that? Or am I wasting my time?

GIRL: You're wasting your time.

ME: Jesus Christ. Why?

GIRL: *sigh* I'm HIV positive.

ME: Hey, cool! I took a Hepatitis test once. Got 2 As, a B, and a C.

GIRL: You are a horrible human being. Don't ever come near me again, you insensitive bastard.

ME: Whatever. Watch out for AIDS, bitch.

Uploaded 05/07/2008
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