Chapter 1: An Ebaum is Born

January 22, 1973 is probably best known as the date when the Supreme Court legalized abortion with Roe vs Wade.  However, this is also the date when an Ebaum was born.  

While Ebaum's conception is a bit of a mystery, it would later be determined that he was the first baby to have three biological fathers.  All three men penetrated Ebaum's mother nine months before he was born, and miraculously, their sperm joined forces in tag-teaming the egg.  It is not known how many partners Ebaum's mother had in her lifetime, but those who knew her said that more often than not, she had at least one penis or dildo inside her.  It is also rumored that even during her light-flow days, Ebaum's mother had to tape 5 Supers together just so they wouldn't slide out.

When Ebaum's mother realized she was pregnant, abortion was still illegal (see above), so she tried to take matters into her own hands.  She drank as much liquor and did as much cocaine as she possibly could, and would tell men at bars that she would have sex with them in exchange for punching her in the stomach as hard as they could.  After many months of doing this, her efforts were fruitless.  Ebaum was a tough fetus, and savored the onslaught of alcohol and cocaine almost as much as the penises that were constantly poking him.

On the morning of his birth, Ebaum's mother begged doctors to allow her to have an abortion.  The doctor's said there was nothing they could do, and that it's never too late to put him up for adoption.  She had considered this, and knew that she could get much more money by selling baby Ebaum under the table than she could from an adoption agency, so she told the doctor with a wink that she would keep it.  

That afternoon, Ebaum popped out like a dolphin jumping out of the ocean.  While not exactly a joyous occasion, it set the stage for the rest of Ebaum's life.  Some nurses vomited, some doctors masturbated, but all were disgusted by this piece of shit known as Ebaum.  

While Ebaum was in the maternity ward, his mother's screams could be heard throughout the hospital.  Doctor's rushed in to help her.  She wasn't in pain, she didn't miss her baby (quite the opposite), and she wasn't having postpartum depression.  When they asked what was wrong, she said that the radio had just announced that Roe vs Wade had passed, and abortion was now legal.  From that day forward, her goal in life was to make Ebaum wish he was aborted.

Legend has it that while in the maternity ward, Ebaum took his diaper off, rolled over, projectile shat on the three babies to his left, and proceeded to laugh hysterically.  If true, this may have been Ebaum's (possibly world's) first act of trolling at the tender age of 6 hours, and would definitely not be his last.
Uploaded 01/19/2012
  • 0 Favorites
  • Flag
  • Stumble
  • Pin It