When I found out I would never be able to have a normal relationship again, it sent a shock throughout my body. I would never be able to look into a girls eyes again and wonder how the hell I coaxed them into coming home with me that night. I would never be able to hold a woman and think about spending the rest of my life with her. My sexual life as I knew it, was over. My life in general was over.
The doctor said the results would be in within a day. Although I didnt even need to look at them. I already knew what they would say. I already knew how I would react to the horrible news. I thought it all out; I would walk into his office and see the doc holding my papers, he would have a look on his face that said: "Im sorry guy, your sex life is over. Hell, your life is over." Then I would break down in a modest sob and be on my way.
It all started a week ago with a ominous phone call. I hadnt even given the chick my number, so I knew it was bad news. I picked up anyways, "Hey it's Tammy." After that, Tammy gave me some information that changed my life. The conversation was short, there wasnt much to say. Who would have thought that three little letters could destroy someones life, my life.
She said she was sorry and hung up the phone. I gently layed my cell phone on the bed that had caused this predicament, then stared at it's grimacing pillows. My knees went out and I dropped to the floor. I dont remember much after that, except for uncontrollable weeping and my fist going through the drywall.
Those emotions were unexplainable. It was a mixture of anger, remorse, and hate. I hated myself for making that mistake, I hated Tammy for letting me make the mistake of sleeping with her. After a few days of angry sobbing, the choatic feelings began to subside. After that, there was emptiness. I felt nothing but numbness. I was the shell of a person walking around in vacant spaces. My expensive car and condo now meant nothing. One night had destroyed everything I had worked for my entire life. No one would want to be friends with a disease ridden creature like me. No woman in her right mind would be with me now. Everything was pretty much over.
In my altered state of mind, I figured if I avoided going to the doctor and finding out for sure, then it wasnt true. I thought: "Its not a fact just yet. I still have some hope. I could have been lucky and beaten the odds of catching this thing." But soon enough, reality set in. I knew I was only entertaining myself with these dreams. I had to go to the doctor. I had to know for sure.
There I was, sitting in my car after a rigorous HIV testing. In a day my fate would be official. What the hell is someone supposed to do while waiting on results like this. Well I did the only thing that seemed sensible; I drank. The alcohol made me realize that there was no avoiding the truth. There was no way I didnt have the disease. I hadnt even wrapped it up with her. I realized I didnt want to spend my life with this "thing". I realized there was only one solution. It was obvious and had been in the back of my mind since the phone call. It had to be done.
I didnt want to wait on some papers to tell me my life was over. The shotgun in my hands even knew I would simply be wasting time. Opening the box of shells, it reminded me of the days I had spent with my father hunting. Then I began to think about how my mom was always so sarcastic. I reminisced of times spent with my family and friends. I missed those days.
The tip of the barrel was cold against my chin. The beautiful oak stock was smooth against my hand. I felt my finger slowly making its way to the trigger. I said my goodbyes outloud to an idvisible audience. Then my phone rang. It was an unknown caller. The last time I had answered to an unknown number, I found out I was dying. I put the gun down and picked the phone up. "Hey this is Jill, Tammy's friend. Look this was really wrong and Im so sorry, but she was playing a joke on you when she called about a week ago. I couldnt let this go on any further. She doesnt really have AIDs. Im so sorry!" After that, I hung up the phone and polished my shotgun.
That day was the most beautiful day of my life.