On the advice of a friend that I have the understanding nescesary for this task and no one else does, I have come up with what I call my gender translation table. What this comes out to is this: All you incompetant males who always ask how to understand women, well here you go. And all of you females who want to know what men really think (upon the rare ocasion that they are actually thinking at all) here you are as well.
The first thing you have to understand about men and women is this: men and stupid, and women are crazy. And the main reason women are crazy, is because men are stupid. Its not the only reason, but it's a big one. Don't think I'm being negative here either, all people are either crazy or stupid or sometimes miserable and its not always the way i described.
Also, please understand my information here is not infallable and is subject to interpretation. But dont take this as a joke either, as silly as some of it may seem, this information is based on real research and life experience.
First up is my translation table entitled 'how to speak female'. this concept is simple enough, it is a table for males, explaining what women really mean. But before I get into this, here are some basic rules, because i know males have relationship trouble.

Rule number one: something is always wrong. Dont take this as an indication that you are nescesarily a bad bf. The fact just remains that there is no such thing as a happy woman. they will always complain, even when things are okay. they may even complain about things that they dont find wrong. if they say nothing is wrong, its a lie. if they say everything is wrong, then EVERYTHING is wrong.
Rule number two: never ever under any circumstances forget her birthday. If you care about a female in your life, engrave thier birthday into your forearm. I know guys dont care about this, but girls do, so dont ever forget.
Rule number three: dont bother arguing. girls dont use logic in thier arguments, or have to. you wont win.
rule four: always eat more then her, even if you're full. and always eat first.
rule five: dont talk about your exs, unless its negative.
rule six: Have a spine. As much as they pretend they want you to take thier shit, stand up for yourself. Dont be an asshole though, strike a blance.

what stuff means:
"go away" = "dont go away...ever....seriously...if you leave ill never forgive you"
"I really miss you." = "I'm horny...i wish you were fucking would be nice."
"oh you dont have to..." = "You better..."
"i'm fat." = "compliment me...asshole.."
"Nothing is wrong." = "i'm about to make you feel guilty.." (keep asking anyway)
"That's interesting..." = "What the hell are you talking about?"
"My parents hate you." = "Oh god you're sexy.."
"my friends hate you." = "Pack your shit..."
"How's it going?" = "Ask me how I am, because something is wrong and I want to tell you."
"It's okay..." = "You fucked up."
"What would you do if I cheated on you." = "I already did."
"Why dont you hang out with your friends?" = "Don't you dare..."
"I don't want to hang out with you and your friends." = "Just you. ditch them."
"I wonder if you're a good kisser" = "I've been trying to get you to make a move and you haven't been, so i'm waving your ass in there. If we're not making out in the next three seconds I'm going to reach over there and strangle you."
"You're a nice guy." = "I find you unatractive. I dont like nice guys. I will never date you. But id like to call you when i want to complain about whoever I am dating."
"I'm busy with work/school." = "I'm not interesting in hanging out with you and i want you to stop trying."
"Are you with anyone?/Is she your girlfreind/ what would your girlfriend think?" = "I want you and am presenting you an application for this position in my subtle way because if you're not available I dont want to waste my good flirting on you. though thats negotiable, I might just steal you if you're not available."
"Do you really want to (insert activity or location)." = "Cause I dont. and you better not either but id hate to seem stubborn."
"I feel close to you."/"You know me well." = "Tell me you love me so I can say it too, because I want to, but i'm scared to go first."
"A guy was flirting with me/whistled at me/was checking me out." = "Get ill be upset. Also understand that I'm really hot and you should be damn grateful to have me. But dont throw a fit or anything, just seem jelous"
"I'm not mad.." = "I am indeed mad."
"I like your friends, but/Your friends are okay, but.." = "I hate your friends and i want you to get rid of them. Id hate to sound like a bitch who commands you, but thats what im doing."
"I dont mind paying for things. you always pay." = "Insist you pay...but dont be an asshole about it."
"you're the best in bed/I only cum with you." = (if you asked her how good you were) "This isn't true, but I think it will make you feel good anyway. don't push it, you wont get the truth." (If she just says it, more then half the time it's true)
"Do you think my friend is cute?/Which of my friends would you date/have a threesome with?" = "Tell me my friends are all less attractive then me, and while you're at it that im more attractive then anyone."
"you're affectionate/you pay alot of attention to me" = "You think about sex alot don't you? Not nescesarily a bad thing as I am hot. keep it up, or maybe not sure..but i hope you know"
"How much do you love me?" = "I did something wrong or I'm about to ask for a thankless and unpleasant favor and expect you to do it without questioning me."
"I won't take more then five minutes." = "Go read a book. I wont take less then half an hour."
"I'm leaving. you can stay here/stay with your friends." = "I better see you walking behind me as I leave."
"What do you like/love about me/whya re you with me?" = "I'm actually depressed. Tell me a long list of things that are wonderful about me."
"I dont usually do this/I would only do this for you/I've nevr done this for anyone else." = "I'm lying probably. But I hate sounding slutty. So just believe me and feel special."
"I should go." = "Ask me to stay, or I'm going to go home and cry about how you dont like me and be mad at you tomarrow."
"You dont have to get me anything/just let me get you something/dont spend so much on me." = "No matter what I say I want a gift, and an expensive one. But I still get to complain and pretend you did something wrong."
"How is (insert name of girl you know)." = "I dont care about her. and you should know that. Im just suspicious of her and want to know she's meaningless to you."
"What are you thinking about?" = "Say you were thinking about me, and make it sound positive. mention that im sexy while you're at it. because all this silence irritates me."
"How many women have you slept with?" = "Say more then none because I hate virgins, but say less then one. Wait...theres no right answer...but i really dont want a virgin. Say between 1 and 3 and I can deal with that."
"I love you." = "Would you glady stab everyone else in the world to death with a rusty knife if i asked you to? yes? then say it back. If no, then just hug me and look happy."
"I'm cold/I'm hungry." = "This is not a statement it's a command. If you dont correct this status immediately I will not be pleased."
"who was that on the phone?" = "I'm hoping it wasn't another woman, but if it was I'd like to see ythat conversation end quickly. and some reasurance that she's meaningless and just your friend."
"I really love you." = "I did something you're going to be pissed at me for."
"Do you like my (insert new clothing item)?" = "You havent noticed it and im getting irritated."
"What do you want to do?" = "You should have mad eplans you idiot. I'm the female I dont make plans."
"Size doesn't matter..." = "...Unless i want an orgasm."
"What are you doing tonight?" = "What are WE doing tonight?"
"Have you ever had a threesome?" = "Your friend is cute and i wanan fuck him and get away with it."

Rejection lines:
"I need some space." = "That doesn't contain you."
"You're like my brother." = "You have all the attractive qualities of an african elephant."
"You're a nice guy/i dont want to ruin our friendship." = "You're not attractive and no part of you is ever touching any part of me"
"I like you but..." = "..I dont like you."
"I think we should see other people." = "Im sleeping with someone else and he's better at it then you are."

Uploaded 05/15/2008
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