While at a friend's house this evening I was scanning his latest DVR's to find a totally old-school, crappy cheese-fest of a cheap horror film: Critters 3.

Critters 3 was the shitty comedic horror movie where a young girl, her little brother, their useless dad, a couple of old farts, a bull-dyke phone co. worker, Leonardo DiCaprio, and an unbelievable whale of a neighbor are pitted against the Critters in their dilapidated apartment building.

The Critters, of course, were fly-by-night animatronic horror film baddies whose likeness seemed the trend in cheap, phoned-in horror flicks of the late 80's.  

I remember watching similar films of the decade when I was a kid: Munchies, Troll, Howard the Duck, Gremlins...

Although it needs not be said none of these antagonistic little demon creatures freaked me out much as a kid either, it kinda made me nostalgic and sad at the same time. Given some good storyline and a little ingenuity, animatronic enemies in films just had something all the CGI crap you kids get today just can't compare to.

Anyway, it figured it's the perfect segue into analyzing a Critter on my scale of cuteness :)

          
                                  

The Critter is an alien pain-in-the-ass, possibly evil, and has glowing red cat-like eyes, giant disgusting mouth, and dirty, messy fur, but.... It does make cute little sounds, have a language with other Critters, kinda cute paws, and rolls around in a little ball. So that makes for some redeeming qualities.

           

As a result, I place the Critters as a 2 on the Anatomy of Cuteness scale. Akin to the common bat, the Critters aren't completely ugly, but dirty enough not to make it past even a woodchuck. Sorry, Critters :(