I wish I was a little girl again. I really miss the bond my dad and I used to have. I was his first child and daughter. He now has two more sons and two more daughters. The youngest daughter was just born two days ago. I see how he is with them and it makes me miss it! Now all we do is fight. He'd call me a bitch and told me I was just like my mother whom he divorced when I was 8.
He used to take me to the Cincinnati Red's Game, the Zoo, and to many other places. When my sister Hannah was born 3 years ago, I used to get so jealous. He always took pictures with her and my step mom. He never paid attention to my brothers and I that much. It really hits me hard knowing that we aren't as close as we used to be. He used to call me Ray-Ray, now he rarely calls me at all. Things got so bad, I had to move out when I was 17.
Sometimes I think it's my fault that he pushes me away so much. Other times, I can always pick out when he's in the wrong, but he's never wrong! Everything was always my fault. No matter the situation, I was somehow always the one who screwed it up! I used to pray and ask God to wake up from this dream. I used to wish that I was never born. (Like many of us do) Alot of the time, I wish to die.
When I was 17 I would rely on the comfort and bond with boyfriends that I had. So, was I the one who pushed him away? Was everything really my fault? Though I'm not sure, I try to say it was his fault to make myself feel better. But, though I think it, I don't mean it. I just don't wanna have children one day, only for my dad to not wanna engage in their lives. That's of great importance to me. I guess I just miss being Daddy's Little Girl.