eBaum's World condoms review.

Packaging: 2.5/10. 

One word: tacky. I recently received twelve eBaum's World condoms in the mail after seeing a myriad of "positive" reviews on Pepper Peanut's twitter. I was quite excited to try them out on my fleshlight so I ordered them with haste. After waiting a week, I received them in the mail and was quite disappointed in the plastic wrapping. A very melancholy blue with a poorly written "eBaum's World" in puke yellow - overall, quite bland and unappealing. I did not see any warning labels whatsoever or instructions on how to put on the condoms ... you would expect eBaum's World to show some sympathy towards newcomers to sex but alas, they didn't. 

The plastic wrapping was extremely hard to rip open - it took my at least two scissor attempts as well as a hacksaw to finally create a miniscule slit. You would expect a preexistent slit on the plastic wrapping but nay, not a single slit in sight. The remaining eleven condom wrappings also lacked a slit and I was quite irate with the poorly and rudimentary wrapping. 

Condom texture: 1.2/10. 

After many attempts at removing the plastic wrapping, I was greeted by a cheaply constructed condom that reeked of latex and piss. On the tip, where semen is meant to be deposited to prevent leakage, "eBaum's World" was faintly written, which made me shake my head in disapproval. Imagine popping out a child with "eBaum's World" written across its forehead ... truly disgusting. 

I began feeling the overall texture of the condom: poor and cheap. If anything, the condom was made in either Pakistan or China, which explains the musty smell and the deteriorating outer lining. I literally brushed the outer lining with my fingernail and the condom began breaking apart ... if anything, eBaum's World WANTS you to have an accidental pregnancy. 

Condom grip: 1.7/10. 

Extremely poor grip - my erect penis is clearly above average, standing at 8.1 inches long and a 4.7 inch circumference. Previous reviews stated "one size fits all" but not in my case ... the grip was too loose. It was as if the condoms were designed for horse penises or perhaps whale penises ... I could have fit a newborn child into one of them. As I inserted my erect penis into my fleshlight, I expected perfect lubrication and a tight grip on the base. Instead, I was greeted with constant abrasion, heat, and condom erosion. The condom literally split along the sides and semen splattered all over the inside of my custom made one thousand dollar fleshlight. 

Condom flavor: 3.2/10. 

eBaum's World offered a plethora of flavors, ranging from root beer to banana split. I purchased the following flavors: root beer, black cherry, ding dong surprise, pork dumplings, and filet mignon. Both the root beer and the black cherry were quite delicious - I wrapped the condom around my thumb, simulating a penis, and begin rinsing the flavor in my mouth. Overall, the flavors were solid and tight. Quite delicious, I may add.

However, the ding dong surprise, the pork dumplings, and the filet mignon were either too flavorless or disgusting. Ding dong surprise tasted like cardboard mixed with cement. I'm not sure of what a "ding dong surprise" is meant to be but perhaps one of the eBaum's World moderator's wives thinks that cardboard mixed with cement is orgasmic. Pork dumplings had a slight resemblance to HUNAN pork dumplings but I was mostly aiming for SHANDONG ... the aftertaste was simply unbearable. Filet mignon tasted like dog shit mixed with dog piss topped off with wet dog hair. Yuck! 

Overall score: 1.9/10. 

eBaum's World had a lot of potential but failed miserably in executing its condom brands. I certainly am awaiting my refund and I hope this review will prevent my viewers from purchasing such goods in the future. 

Thank you, this has been an Andrew Ryan review. 

Uploaded 06/02/2012
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