This being Valentine's Day, the most useless and utterly retarded of all days of the year (minus National Retardation Day...or July 4 to those unaware of the date) I have come to realize that I am actually one lucky son of a bitch for having someone to come home to every night. Lets face it, I do a lot of stupid and disgusting things that no woman should have to endure, but for some reason or another my girlfriend does. (Maybe it true love, maybe its low self-esteem....either way I'm sitting pretty.)

I'm not sure why she has dedicated the rest of her days to living with what could only be described as a somewhat housebroken monkey. I'm not a total write-off when it comes to being a decent mate, but there is  a learning curve involved, and for some reason or another I've been fighting it all the way. I know that putting milk back in the fridge with only a mouthful of liquid left in the bag is not the best practice, or that toilets need to be flushed after EVERY use (hey...sometimes we forget) and the dishes will most likely not put themselves into or out from the dishwasher. She takes most of this in stride, occasionally asking me to help, occasionally demanding it, and (the most efective of them all) occasionally guilting me into doing the proper work. I leave out my shoes, never hang my coat, never toss my cigarettes ends into the coffee tin, don't rinse down the bath tub after using it, scrape all the shit off my plate before it hardens to the surface....et cetera et cetera et cetera.

Even the shit I do while sleeping is awful. You know you're in it for the long haul with another person when you can sleep next to them without plunging a knife into their face. I make noises, smells and sights while sleeping (hey, so do you though) that are quite unattractive to anyone unfortunate enough to experience it first hand. As I said, I'm not the only one who does this. "Oh, but wait there Big Bad," you might say. "I'm not a gross sleeper. You must be some douchebag Canadian scum-tard who can't control his grossness while sleeping." Don't believe me that you do it too? Take off your pillow case and have a good, long look at the pillow underneath. Gross, huh?

It looks like an old Civil War bandage...

Between the occasional snorts, coughs, and ass-busts, I would imagine sleeping next to me would be a lot like blowing John Goodman....only longer and with less gravy. Somebody has to do it, and she's the unfortunate one who drew the short straw, I guess. Now, she's no day at the park to lay next to at night either, but I'm not here to sully her good name with accusations of blanket theft and drool. I'm only here to point out the numerous and down-right disgusting things she puts up with on a daily basis.

So, on this most useless of days, don't forget to add a "thank you" to the end of that forced, unsincere "Happy Valentine's Day!" statement you're bound to make at some point or another. Never take for granted the sacrifice your significant other makes in order to keep your disgusting ass around for another year. I know I won't. (Or at least until the day is over. By tomorrow I'm sure it'll be business as usual.)

I'm off now to go buy a new pillow...

-The Big Bad