football has started

And already it's annoying me. I wake up to find my roomate on the couch in the living room just staring at the TV as if he had looked directly into the eyes of Medusa.

I wouldn't really call myself pretentious, but I can't help but think I'm better than anyone who follows football as if it's a religion. I know, that's technically the exact definition of pretentious, but that doesn't phase me.

I've sorta painted the picture that all football fans are these overgrown beasts of humans who somehow managed to evolve within their own lifetime into a snarling snaggle-toothed species. You know the type…the disgustingly obese man with enough hair covering his body to knit a quilt out of, and with his shirt off at games and paint covering his face while he's screaming like an animal backed into a corner.

These men worry me. Are they really this insecure that they need to validate their masculinity by acting like a fool? And the women…my god. The only women who actually enjoy football are the butch type or the ones who are only trying to impress the sorry sack of a boyfriend that they somehow chose to spend their life with. 

I say we can find much more use out of football fans. For example, instead of testing on animals, we can test on football fans. A recent study conducted at Stanford University on rats sought out to determine what exactly makes a homosexual male homosexual. The viewpoint's basic hypothesis is that sexual orientation is determined by the early levels (prenatal) of androgen on relevant neural structures. To test this hypothesis, the genitals of male rats were severed while still in the womb. The subject who received deficient levels of androgen due to this procedure became submissive in matters of sexual drive and reproduction and were willing to receive sexual acts from other male rats.

So let's find us some football fans and cut off their genitals. Then let's watch and see if they become more in touch with other males, and ureka! We may finally find proof that homosexuality is scientifically viable in some way. And with this decrease in testosterone, they may no longer act like such fools at football games either, and I probably wouldn't hate them so much. Regardless, it should be pretty fun cutting off their genitals even if it doesn't work.


Thanks for reading.

Uploaded 09/10/2008
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