Forgotten Film Synopses LOL Edition: Teen Witch

I had to feature this horrible cheese-fest after yet another upload from someone involving the too-familiar rap clip (the Michael Terry Rappers), included in today's special LOL Edition of FFS.


This movie is one I remember from my pre-teen years, that played out like an after-school special, and probably should've been one instead. Even shortly after its release, it was already incredibly dated with its costuming, soundtrack, misguided morality, and unbelievable number of cliches - most of which are pinpointed herein.

It opens as Louise Miller (Robyn Elaine Lively) has this strange dream involving her crush - well, actually, more like a fantasy about herself looking hot and being irresistible - which jolts her awake, seeing as how Louise isn't exactly much more than an ill-dressed, mousy dweeb.

Yep, Louise is one of the biggest dorks at her local High School, who lives across the street from CLICHE #1: the most popular girl at school, the uber-trendy, super-rich, bouffant-haired blonde Randa, who also happens to date CLICHE #2: the jocky, football-obsessed, big man on campus BONUS: named Brad. And CLICHE #3: Louise has a major crush on him!

Louise has one good friend, though. Her chum Polly, who she's known since childhood. They ride their bikes to school together, like always, after watching Brad zoom off with Randa in his CLICHE #4: brand-new sports model car Daddy bought him.

Louise shares her English class with Brad, which is taught by a CLICHE #5: stereotypical, stick-up-the-ass tweed-jacketed teacher named Mr. Weaver, who incidentally finds one of Louise's diary notes stuck to her homework, and reads it aloud to the class. As if her life weren't bad enough, now everyone at school knows Louise is in love with Brad! OH NOES!!!

In gym that day, Louise is left out of the fun as Randa gets all the CLICHE #6: predictably shallow, bitchy, white, high-maintenance, dumb friends BONUS: (including one actually named Kiki) in on a new cheer. This is reeking of cheese thanks to it's being choreographed in the film to "I Like Boys", one of those many trendy and quickly forgotten 80's pop crap-fests.


Then it's off to Theater class, where Brad is CLICHE #7: of course, wooing the teacher for the lead in a Shakespearean play. Naturally, he gets the lead, along with Kiki, and Louise is stuck with no part - but is expected to work on the play anyway as Costume Mistress.

Miserable at another lousy school day, Louise is riding her bike home that evening, when suddenly, Brad and Randa come zooming by, accidentally knocking her off her bike. Brad is concerned and offers a ride home, but Randa the Bitch seems to think dropping Louise off in the exact same spot as herself would be going out of their way somehow, and wants him to forget her.

With her tire flat and a storm coming, Louise walks her bike home, and comes across a fortune teller business. Tangina - er.. Madame Serena (Zelda Rubinstein) invites Louise in, and at the mention of her 1 of a billion surname, "Miller", Serena claims she's one of the long line of a group of special secret witches - and will receive powers on her 16th birthday.

The next night or so, Louise hits her 16th, and finds no one arrives from school since Randa is having her own party (and is actually surprised, like it would make a difference anyway). She has fitful sleep as her mysterious new powers begin to grow within her.

Unfortunately, Louise isn't really concerned with all this, since nothing new or unusual seems to be taking place in her crappy life. We get to see a kinda funny classroom scene in which CLICHE #8: Sex-Ed class is taught by some God-fearing, uptight spinster using an umbrella as a makeshift penis.

Then there's the fact Louise is still head over heels for the same stud-muffin that left her alone on the roadside as bait for muggers and murderers. She swoons when he uses the CLICHE #9: fist-bumping-vending-machine/locker trick to save the day, like the moron she is.


In Theater class, the same teacher who stuck her ass with a fist on that play seems otherwise friendly enough backstage, giving Louise a weird necklace she finds among the dozens of costumes they couldn't possibly go to.

Then, Randa tells Louise her cousin needs a date for the school's barn-themed dance, and invites her to go with them. Of course, stupid Louise thinks this may finally be her opening to social fame and popularity!

Of course, Randa, Brad, and some unknown stud don't show up to the door - just the "stud", who turns out to be CLICHE #10: some Buddy Holly-esque dork with all the stereotypical 80's nerd trimmings: plaid shirt, thick glasses, greasy hair, and strange twitches, also emitting the usual snorts and nasally voice.


Probably more hilarious than the overdone Poindexter thing is Louise's next attempt at trying to garner instant love and attention. Arriving at the dance, she immediately heads for the restroom to change into something sure to impress everyone - a horrid, uber-trendy, over the top outfit the likes of which would've made Madonna cringe.


What's confusing is how she could do this once but for some reason, not every day. Louise isn't poor, she obviously has access to money and stores for clothes and makeup, can do her hair like the other girls', but tries out this whole thing spur of the moment, once... ah, the hell with it. Not like half the shit in this film made sense, even as a 10-year-old.

Now that she looks "cool" she doesn't get why everyone doesn't notice or care too much. She starts wishing for Brad to come by, and he does it. It's those powers kicking in! She ditches Polly to talk to him alone, but he doesn't notice her look in the least, and all he asks for is help with his English paper, and of course, he needs the grade so he can play FOOTBALLL!!!!!

Louise's pretty disappointed with her powers until nerd-boy gets to drive her home, where he hits on her in the car. She wishes he would leave her alone, and he disappears!

Frantic, Louise drives the technically-now-stolen car to Serena's but shes closed. Coming home, she's not in the mood for her little brother's shit, and turns him into a pup!

Fortunately, a dip in the tub turns her brother back to normal, and not a word is said by any authorities wanting to know what became of the now non-existent nerd-boy or whether Louise poured alcohol over the car's upholstery before rolling it off some cliff.

The next day, Serena says water reverses beginner spells, and notices the necklace. She informs Louise that every witch must see a special book she keeps, revealing that they both lived a previous life in 1652.

They then turn coal into a pile of cash before Louise sets off to practice weather-altering spells, triggered by CLICHE #11: chanting bullshit gibberish to make magic happen.

Louise practices her growing powers via a truth spell she uses against Kiki and Randa, and visits Serena that night, where instead of creating cash for every 3rd world nation in the world, asks how she can make Brad fall in love with her, which can totally be done! In return, she aids Serena in turning a frog into a stud, who can only ribbit.

Louise tries the love spell on Brad but it fails. Which is actually a good thing, after hearing him spill his HORRIBLE life problems to Louise the next day in class, involving the Prom, football, and how he hates Randa but can't break up with her cuz she's popular!

Cuz she spills her purse and Weaver decides to go through everything, Louise really tests her powers through anger by pulling a voodoo curse on him. During her next English class, Weaver strips down to his boxers, and, thanks to Louise's mom throwing the doll in the laundry, takes a detour through a car wash after school, even paying the attendant when he emerges. Campy.


In the meantime, the Theater teacher announces she's suddenly won the lottery, bought a new car and wardrobe, and met a man named "Armando Lagando". Now in charge of the entire play, Louise feels extra generous during she and Polly's ride home, where they come across the 80's version of the local "wiggers". Infusing her bud with some rap-chick powers, one of the most horrifying, cheesy, and often-ridiculed scenes ensue.

Now Louise goes to Serena asking to be most popular girl by looking like her idol, some pop singer named Shana. And yes, that can be done, too! All she needs is a personal item from her victim.

Conveniently, Shana is having a concert in town that very night, where Louise and Polly get backstage. And thanks to Louise's selfish, face-palmingly pathetic desperation in achieving popularity, she mind-melds Shana like a fucking Vulcan, manipulating the singer into happily giving Louise the lucky trademark jacket she's kept since she first made it big... wow.

And that night before bed, with the spouting of gibberish and a flash of light, Louise becomes... the exact same girl, only with a wardrobe of trendy clothes, tacky heels and jewelry, a perm, and some frosted pink lip gloss.

Suddenly everyone at school loves her. She ditches Polly to ride in every day with Brad and Randa, hangs out with all the chicks at school that wouldn't talk to her before, joins their cheer-leading squad, and starts going out with her crush.


Now, it's not certain whether or not the spell is responsible for everyone loving her, or if it's the new look - after all, with a spell she wouldn't need the look, and if it's only the look, who needs a spell?

Well, my money's on the superficial route, seeing as how there are those not brainwashed and actually detesting of Louise - namely, her old friend Polly. Of course, Louise's parents might be a bit affected by strange powers, seeing as how they don't seem to mind the constant arrival of love notes in the mail, crowds of peeps on the lawn everyday, or how in the hell Louise managed to obtain a new hairstyle and hundreds of dollars worth of clothes in one night.

Either way, since now she's unsure as to whether or not she likes getting attention that may not be genuine, Louise tells Serena she wants to reverse the spell. Now comes the life lesson everyone's been waiting for - that it takes confidence, knowledge, and belief in yourself to affect your life for the better.

Apparently, it doesn't take any magic to show the world, or yourself, the best person you can be. Louise could learn that if she just let reality and life take its course. Unfortunately, though, it seems she'd rather be herself and let others be what they are, so long as she can keep the clothes and use designer exteriors for a shallow false front...

The next day she can't leave the house since peeps are holding a worship vigil outside, and sneaks out the back, where Brad is waiting for her, to take her on a boat ride and give more asinine reasons for why he's so confused in his pampered life. She tries to tell Brad the truth after he tells her he wants to take her to the dance, but just can't bear the thought of him leaving her if she went back to sweater vests and flat bangs, I guess.


The dance comes, and Louise decides to attend with Serena, where everyone parts the way for her. As Brad is enchanted by her lustrous locks and high heels, he comes up to take a dance, where all of a sudden, she tosses Serena her power necklace, indicating she's gonna try this social thing all on her own.

And she and Brad dance through the night, leaving viewers with the moral that magic isn't needed to be your great self and brave the natural trials of life - so long as you keep your hair updated and dress like everyone else.


(c) 1989 MGM TransWorld Entertainment

Uploaded 08/14/2011
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