So don't start tracking me down, you perverted freaks, but I live in Indiana. Hence my fandom of the Fucking Colts.
Hoosiers don't do well with snow. Or ice, or rain, for that matter.
We are under a winter weather advisory until 7 pm tomorrow. Why? I'll tell you why.
Because we are expected to get 3 to 5 inches of snow in a 24 hour period.
OH MY GOD 5 INCHES OF SNOW WE CAN'T GET OUT OF THE HOUSE WE'RE GOING TO DIE IN A CAR WRECK EVERYTHING IS GOING TO GO TO HELL IT'S THE APOCOLYPSE!!!!!
People in Michigan must laugh their asses off at us. I have literally seen people buy an entire grocery cart full of milk and bread because we might get six inches of snow. Six inches!! I think the entire state would have to be institutionalized if we got a whole foot!
So what does that mean to me, Mr. Grocery Store Co-Manager? We were bombed like the end of the world today. Babies wept. Mothers wailed. Men crawled through the store on their hands and knees. There was rending of garments and gnashing of teeth.
The only safe place was in the freezer, which isn't much colder than the outside air. I would feel sorry for the store manager working tonight if he didn't leave early every day.
But my point is, because we get a little precipitation, Hoosiers lose all mental capacity. On my way to work tomorrow, I would bet that in 25 miles I will see 15 slide offs, 3 wrecks, come close to death 3 to 4 times, and still be able to toddle along at 50 mph. (That's miles per hour for you silly metric Canadians.) I know how to drive in snow because my dad taught me. What the hell happened to everyone else?
I guess I can take some joy in the fact that people will die on the roads tomorrow, and that many more people will be out of my way.
I am footfknmaster, and I am master of all things snow.