Half Assed Criminals

Listen people if your going to commit crimes then at least plan accordingly and make sure you are successful.


We had an armed robbery call at one of our local banks and it was reported the guy had two hostages.  While we are running lights and siren to the call, dispatch advises us the guy robbing the bank is on 911 stating he wanted my department to call his wife and tell her he was robbing a bank.  Seriously?  I wonder if his wife made him keep his penis in a jar at home so to prove he was  worthy of getting it back, he decided to rob a bank.  Who knows?  Anyway once we all arrive and surround the bank, one of our negotiators talks to this guy on the phone and he decides to give up his two hostages, and then he walks outside right behind them.  We arrest the dude only to find out he left his handgun on the front seat of his car, and bank employees stated he was a regular customer and everybody knew him.  One of my buddies transported the guy to jail and he asked my friend if he could tell everyone at the jail that he was an armed robber.  Sure why not?  Something to be proud of I guess.


Then there was the gentlemen who was renting a home from his girlfriend and they had a falling out, so he decided to destroy the home with a sledge hammer.  After a short time the idiot was tired, so he decided to blow up the house by letting it fill up with gas from the stove.  Unfortunately for him there was not enough gas for an explosion, but he did set the house and himself on fire at the same time.  But, before setting the house and himself on fire the fool flooded the house, so there was about three inches of water throughout the house.  Well, when the guy caught on fire he threw himself to the floor hoping to extinguish the flames, which he did, but he also managed to knock himself out and there he lay in cold water and smoke from the fire just long enough for him to get hypothermia and smoke inhalation.  Unbelievably the guy lived, but is in a coma.  I think this is the first time in the history of my fine city that we have somebody who got hypothermia while being trapped in a burning building.


Anyway it is fools like these that give me good job security.

Uploaded 03/21/2012
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