Hey, the other night, I was out with my fugly-ass friend celebrating my sham of an engagement.

My fiance is a total toolbag who is covered in with a coarse coat of hair (much like a Brillo pad) and has an inverted penis, so I was looking to find some guy willing to liquor me up, take me home, and stick a squash in my oiled-up starfish. Oh, who am I kidding? I didn't want to use any oil. The only thing that mattered was that he finished the debauchery by shitting across my forehead. Mmmm... Nutella suprise.

Then the Bridge Troll (my friend who I drag around for moral support) started cock-blocking the only dude who seemed willing to rub my nipples with a cheese-grater. Unfortunately, I was too drunk to protest and just watched idly as Grendel the She Beast pissed MY chances away! And to think I waxed my asshole for this!

Next time I go out, my friend Vomit Face will not accompany me. I'm just going to go out with my bacon-scented perfume on and the squash already half inserted in my treasure cove.

The Wildebeast can sit home alone and flick her bean to Sleepless in Seattle again.

Sorry, but I had to jump on the bandwagon...