How to Eat an Entire Bag of Chips

Step by step instructions from Johnny Tubesteak of


Step 1:  Find a bag of chips that your wife has been hiding on you because you cant be trusted with them.

Step 2:  Take the bag of chips with you as you sit down on the couch and turn on the television.

Step 3:  Mentally plan to eat a ridiculously small number of chips, like 3 or maybe 4.

Step 4:  Put your hand inside the bag of chips and let muscle memory take over.

Step 5:  About 15 minutes later, notice with incredulity that the bag of chips is half gone.

Step 6:  Be genuinely disgusted with yourself, calling yourself names like disgusting tub of lard and fat pile of crap.

Step 7:  Close the bag of chips and set it on the coffee table.

Step 8:  After approximately 5 minutes, begin reasoning with yourself by choosing one or more of the following excuses: A) I really didnt eat that much today.  B) Ive been pretty good about eating healthy lately.  C) Life is really stressful right now.  D) I coughed a few times today and they always say that you should feed a cold.

Step 9:  Reopen the bag of chips and insert your hand.

Step 10:  About 15 minutes later, notice that all that is left in the bag are crumbs and broken pieces of chip.

Step 11:  Lie to yourself and pretend that you are incredulous, even though you knew that this would happen as soon as you opened the bag of chips the second time.

Step 12:  Restart the reasoning process with both of the following excuses:  A) There is no point in putting a bag with only crumbs and broken pieces back into the cupboard.  B) Once this bag is finished, I wont have anything left to tempt me all gluttonous desires should be forever eliminated.

Step 13:  Pull every last crumb you can grab out of the bag and quickly shove them into your mouth.

Step 14:  Pour the remaining, ungrabbable contents of the bag into your mouth and lick all chip residue off your fingers.

Step 15:  Within the next 5 minutes, pass out as your digestive system steals all bodily energy in an attempt to begin processing the overwhelming task you unexpectedly assigned to it.

Step 16:  Find yourself awakened in shame by your wife the next morning, with an empty bag by your side and small bits of chip strewn across the couch, attached to your clothes, and nestled within your facial hair.

Step 17:  Tell yourself that you will never do this again, even though you know a statement like that lost all meaning years ago.

Step 18:  The next time you are at the grocery store, purchase a bag of chips to prove to yourself that you can, in fact, eat only a few chips without devouring the entire bag.

Step 19:  When you arrive home from the grocery store, notice that your wife has hidden the new bag of chips because you cannot be trusted with them.

Step 20:  Repeat entire sequence.

Uploaded 02/28/2010
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