How To Make Yourself Look Like A Stupid Asshole

I was in a Burger King today and it was filled with stupid assholes. While waiting in line, I thought to myself "Man, there aren't enough stupid assholes in the world. How great would it be if there were more stupid assholes in the world?" So here it goes. My guide on How to Make Yourself Look Like a Stupid Asshole. 1) Talk really loud. This is very important. To be a good asshole, you have to be able to piss off as many people as possible. Talking really loud forces everyone nearby to listen to your stupid ass talk about how drunk you were last night, or how hot that girl was that you didn't hook up with (because she's not into stupid assholes). Also, whenever you laugh, make sure you laugh really loud too. The louder you laugh, the more stupid and obnoxious it sounds. A common comparison to an asshole laughing is a car engine that won't start, that sort of "eh-eh-eh-eh" sound really fast. 2) Talk to people that obviously don't want to talk to you. The hardest part of this point is determining who doesn't want to talk to you. The trick is to talk to your friends (or to yourself -- great way to look like a crazy stupid asshole) really loudly so that you piss off everyone else, then make your move. Old people are easy targets because they generally hate everyone. If you want that creepy stupid asshole appeal, go for little kids. Asking questions to people who are eating is a good one too. In general, most people don't mind talking to strangers, but nobody likes talking to a stupid asshole. Work your magic. 3) Draw a lot of attention to yourself. This works with #1 really well. While talking really loud, do something stupid like stand on a chair or start a fight with someone. Give everyone a reason to look at you and think "man, that guy is such a stupid asshole". Be creative; nothing is worse than repeating something that someone else just did. Because then you'll be the unoriginal stupid asshole. Be unique. 4) Hit on everything that walks. Employees in a fast food restaurant is a good example. They're busy and stressed, and the last thing they want is some stupid asshole telling them how cute they look in their apron. Also, please remember that stupid assholes can't take hints and don't know when to quit, so be relentless. Make stupid sexual comments like "I bet you would make my bed smell nice." Getting slapped is like striking oil for a budding stupid asshole, so make that your goal when you start hitting on someone. 5) Argue about something when you are clearly wrong. As with #2, this point is about identifying your target. The person that you are going to argue with will determine what it is that you argue. As soon as you get your person, you need to start off with an outrageously stupid comment (bonus points if it's offensive). For example, if you see someone in a military uniform, you could say to them "everyone in the military is homosexual." Once the argument starts, you only need to remember two things. First, an asshole doesn't listen to what the other person says. Second, you have to say everything as if you read it in the Bible. Nothing is worse than a stubborn stupid asshole. 6) Speak of yourself as if you are a God. This is the ultimate. Stupid assholes are self-centred and narcissistic beyond control. Talking about yourself as if your shit cures cancer is an effective way of making people want to punch you. It's not just what you say, but how you say it. Talking about yourself constantly is important. Interrupting people to talk about yourself is like killing two birds with one stone. You want to show people how much better you are than them, so physical displays can help as well. If you have a first place ribbon or a certificate or something, carry it around with you all the time. A giant trophy sticking out of your backpack draws a lot of attention to you. These are just the basics. A good stupid asshole is creative, decisive, and effective. Go out there and be the best stupid asshole you can be, because we all know that there aren't enough stupid assholes in the world already.

Uploaded 12/03/2008
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Tags: hole fun dumb