How to write a successful eBaum's World blog.

Here are a few tips and pointers in writing a successful eBaum's World blog that will ultimately receive positive reviews from the community. 

1) Fall into this demographic: be an irate, old, white, and Republican male who has nothing to live for. 

If you are not ALL of the above attributes, your blogs will not succeed. There will be deniers who will blatantly state their disbelief to the above but deep inside they have acknowledged that the above is true. 

The attribute heavily emphasized is the old one as most of the bloggers on here are above the age of fifty five. If you can apply for AARP, you are definitely eligible to create a successful and well-received blog. Congratulations!

2) Despite your old age, elaborate on puerile topics, such as blow jobs and pretending to have multiple girlfriends implying your "pimp" status. 

It's time to whip out your Class of 1945 yearbook and search for people who you have been bullied by and imitate their former status in high school. For example, look for that huge jock who used to give you wet willies and wedgies and pretend to be like him. Spew lies about how you used to bang girls left and right and you used to skip out on class, when in reality you attended every class, sitting in front, while courteously giving your respected teacher some fruit to cherish his or her presence. You were a wimp in high school, and most likely explains your irate attitude towards life, but you can certainly fabricate lies on the Internet to bolster your reputation! 

3) Use rudimentary vocabulary and truncate your sentences.

Since most of the "exciting" bloggers on here have the attention span of a goldfish, assure yourself NOT to act like an intellectual or else you will receive nothing but one star. Since most of the "amazing" bloggers hold dead end jobs, like plumbing toilets and collecting garbage, you must be aware that these people most likely never attended college or even attempted to take their life a step further. 

4) Act like an Internet tough guy. 

This step is extremely important, especially when you want to comment on someone else's blog. When searching for a person to harass, make sure it is someone who is younger, better looking, and has an overall better life than you. Post mundane and redundant comments like "tl;dr" and "gay blog is gay" because everybody knows that using four to five year old Internet memes are extremely funny and contribute well to the blog section! 

Reminder: never mention your miserable life, no sir! Do not even bother to mention your corpulent wife who needs to be sponge bathed every night or your two obnoxious children who want mommy and daddy to buy them a pony for their Sweet Sixteens or Bar/Bat mitzvahs. Do not mention that you drive a 1989 Geo or that your mother occasionally visits your trailer/rundown apartment and forces you to shave down her bunions. 

That being said, make stuff up! Say that you bang girls every night and you receive blow jobs from them to thusly flaunt your masculinity. Say that you drive three Ferraris and that your penis is fifteen inches flaccid. Say that you are a war veteran (a legitimate war veteran who has actually killed people and not someone who sat behind a computer or cooked meals for the real soldiers) or that you can bench press over three hundred pounds. Be creative! 

Alright folks, get blogging! Oh right - make sure to give this blog one star and leave an extremely nasty comment because I am neither old, irate, Republican, worthless, nor incompetent. 
Uploaded 07/07/2011
  • 0 Favorites
  • Flag
  • Stumble
  • Pin It