I went to the joke section to submit a joke but there was no tab for me to write one. So I'll have to write it here.

Unknown source.

 

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. 

Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the husband

out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the

wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her

neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! 

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a

woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants

sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. 

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy

is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us

both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was

whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're

cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.  I told him it was in

the bathroom.

'Be strong honey. I love you too.'

 

Unknown Source.

A doctor in  St John's   Newfoundland wanted

to get off work and go hunting, so he

approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin'

tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close

the clinic. I want you to take care of the

clinic and take care of all my patients and

I'll give you fifty bucks."   "Yes, sir!" answers Buddy

The doctor goes hunting and returns

the following day and asks: "So, Buddy,

How was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of

three patients. "The first one had a

Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks

the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and

I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and

what about the third one?" asks the Doctor

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a

smoke and suddenly the door flies opens

and a woman enters. Like a flame, she

undresses herself, taking off everything

including her bra and her panties and lies

down on the table and shouts:

HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in

over two years!

"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!!

What did you do?"

I put drops in her eyes!!