Jumping Fences.
Tyaeda
Published
01/29/2011
You can take the girl out of the party, but you can't take the party out of the girl. It's true in my case.
For the past 5 years I've been progressively settling down, and trying to make better choices that will prevent me from making a huge life-altering mistake. I have become more mature, and less careless when it comes to my safety.
I used to be a party girl, and in some people's opinions - a slut. Not being in a relationship with a guy I was sleeping with was not out of the question.. not by a long shot. It was ok for me. I was very good at getting only what I wanted out of people, and avoiding what I didn't. I figured, if a guy only wanted me for sex (which was easy to pick up on after 2 minutes of conversation) he wasn't the type of guy I wanted to be in a relationship with. He was a player in the game... and it wasn't worth my effort to try and change that, even if I wanted to. It was a mutual understanding, and most often resulted in a lot of fun. I gained no attachment to any of them, so moving on was very easy to do. Even if I was in a relationship, and the guy cheated on me, or stopped calling me, it wouldn't effect me at all. In most cases I thought it was funny knowing that some girl fell for his game, or thought they could change him, not ever letting the thought of the same thing happening to them cross their minds. It was also ok because I was never lonely. I could always find what I wanted, whatever that was at the time.
Then shit got serious. Most of the guys I was with either got arrested for drugs or theft or knocked up some girl who held them responsible for their contributions. A few of my friends died, 3 committed suicide, one was murdered, and two others in drunk driving accidents. The smart people grew up and decided to do something with their otherwise wasted life, and went off to school or work. Some of my friends maintained the party lifestyle, usually because they were addicted to drugs, or didn't know a life outside what they had. I saw all that was happening around me, and simply decided to up and leave. I moved out of my home town leaving everything behind. It was very easy because most of the people I hung out with were friends of friends, and not people I had known for very long or very well. I still partied on occasion, but it wasn't the main priority it once was, and it was very rarely with the people I knew from the past.
Playing the game didn't have the same perks as it once did. So I stopped "living in the now", and started to work towards a future for myself. Instead of friends with benefits, I went after meaningful relationships. Living on my own (not at my parents house) has brought about more responsibilities and less time and money for partying. I found happiness in something other than partying, and eventually realized that there are more ways to have fun than using people, and getting fucked up. I've grown up a lot and have surrounded myself with people who are the same way. Now I'm with a guy who doesn't think it's cool that his girlfriend knows how to dance like a stripper, and an alcoholic ex-best friend with a 2 year old and a shitty welfare check to remind me why I changed the way I did. Things are good.... BUT...
Working again has exposed me to the kind of people I've spent years trying to avoid. I met one guy in particular who is the poster child for the kind of guy I would have pursued a few years back. He grows weed (good shit too), and his dad owns 2 bars that he frequents. He's very funny, and has the same "live life for today" attitude that I once had. He is always talking about party excursions in various towns. Being gone for days, getting fucked up to the brink of needing medical attention, meeting/knowing crazy fucked up people.... my old life to a tee. Don't get me wrong, I very much love my boyfriend to death - he's my whole world. I wouldn't dream of cheating on him, or even flirting with anyone else. But I must admit, my eyes have wandered. My old self would have jumped his bones. I would never date him... he's too fucked to get involved with, but if I were single I would have no qualms with hanging out with him, and sneaking off to some un-lit back road for a little "one on one". The excitement of the party-life is becoming rather shitty to avoid, especially on a boring Saturday afternoon watching TV. I know what I'm missing, and I can't help but miss it from time to time.
Fortunately, I'm not as careless as I once was. It's not that I fear for my safety, It's the other shit side to partying. I know about the unwanted attention, the drama, the battle with ethics, the hang overs, the hard cases you get wrapped up in, the regret of "it was fun at the time". But there's still this void... that instant gratification vs long term well-being conflict that keeps eating at me. I want to go to the bar, but if I know I'm taking a risk if I do. I don't run unless I have to, and I hate jumping fences.
For the past 5 years I've been progressively settling down, and trying to make better choices that will prevent me from making a huge life-altering mistake. I have become more mature, and less careless when it comes to my safety.
I used to be a party girl, and in some people's opinions - a slut. Not being in a relationship with a guy I was sleeping with was not out of the question.. not by a long shot. It was ok for me. I was very good at getting only what I wanted out of people, and avoiding what I didn't. I figured, if a guy only wanted me for sex (which was easy to pick up on after 2 minutes of conversation) he wasn't the type of guy I wanted to be in a relationship with. He was a player in the game... and it wasn't worth my effort to try and change that, even if I wanted to. It was a mutual understanding, and most often resulted in a lot of fun. I gained no attachment to any of them, so moving on was very easy to do. Even if I was in a relationship, and the guy cheated on me, or stopped calling me, it wouldn't effect me at all. In most cases I thought it was funny knowing that some girl fell for his game, or thought they could change him, not ever letting the thought of the same thing happening to them cross their minds. It was also ok because I was never lonely. I could always find what I wanted, whatever that was at the time.
Then shit got serious. Most of the guys I was with either got arrested for drugs or theft or knocked up some girl who held them responsible for their contributions. A few of my friends died, 3 committed suicide, one was murdered, and two others in drunk driving accidents. The smart people grew up and decided to do something with their otherwise wasted life, and went off to school or work. Some of my friends maintained the party lifestyle, usually because they were addicted to drugs, or didn't know a life outside what they had. I saw all that was happening around me, and simply decided to up and leave. I moved out of my home town leaving everything behind. It was very easy because most of the people I hung out with were friends of friends, and not people I had known for very long or very well. I still partied on occasion, but it wasn't the main priority it once was, and it was very rarely with the people I knew from the past.
Playing the game didn't have the same perks as it once did. So I stopped "living in the now", and started to work towards a future for myself. Instead of friends with benefits, I went after meaningful relationships. Living on my own (not at my parents house) has brought about more responsibilities and less time and money for partying. I found happiness in something other than partying, and eventually realized that there are more ways to have fun than using people, and getting fucked up. I've grown up a lot and have surrounded myself with people who are the same way. Now I'm with a guy who doesn't think it's cool that his girlfriend knows how to dance like a stripper, and an alcoholic ex-best friend with a 2 year old and a shitty welfare check to remind me why I changed the way I did. Things are good.... BUT...
Working again has exposed me to the kind of people I've spent years trying to avoid. I met one guy in particular who is the poster child for the kind of guy I would have pursued a few years back. He grows weed (good shit too), and his dad owns 2 bars that he frequents. He's very funny, and has the same "live life for today" attitude that I once had. He is always talking about party excursions in various towns. Being gone for days, getting fucked up to the brink of needing medical attention, meeting/knowing crazy fucked up people.... my old life to a tee. Don't get me wrong, I very much love my boyfriend to death - he's my whole world. I wouldn't dream of cheating on him, or even flirting with anyone else. But I must admit, my eyes have wandered. My old self would have jumped his bones. I would never date him... he's too fucked to get involved with, but if I were single I would have no qualms with hanging out with him, and sneaking off to some un-lit back road for a little "one on one". The excitement of the party-life is becoming rather shitty to avoid, especially on a boring Saturday afternoon watching TV. I know what I'm missing, and I can't help but miss it from time to time.
Fortunately, I'm not as careless as I once was. It's not that I fear for my safety, It's the other shit side to partying. I know about the unwanted attention, the drama, the battle with ethics, the hang overs, the hard cases you get wrapped up in, the regret of "it was fun at the time". But there's still this void... that instant gratification vs long term well-being conflict that keeps eating at me. I want to go to the bar, but if I know I'm taking a risk if I do. I don't run unless I have to, and I hate jumping fences.
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