I think I'm going to run for President. I figure maybe I'll snag a Nobel Peace Prize along the way, since apparently you needn't accomplish anything else at all to get one except to be elected. But all joking aside, here are the ideals on which I will base my campaign, and resolve the problems facing our country.
First, the wars. To Iraq and Afghanistan, I send this message: You'd better get ready to get in the game, because the very first thing I'm going to do after my inauguration is withdraw all U.S. military personnel from your countries, to the very last man. Some naval ships will remain behind, fully manned with a large enough contingency force that the U.S. will retain the capability to employ forceful military measures in the region if it is deemed appropriate to do so.
Some say that doing this will cause your infant governments to collapse upon themselves, and your nations to regress back into chaos. Perhaps that is true. However, I say that all depends upon you. We have gotten you started. You are in a position to take charge and lead your people. That is as far as we will carry you. The way forward from here is up to you. These are your countries, and their people are your people. Lead them, inspire them, do what the leaders of nations are supposed to do.
If the people truly desire the things you wish to provide to them, then they will rally behind you and you will succeed even in the face of enemies and superior force. Many men throughout history have demonstrated this to be true, such as Martin Luther King and Ghandi. However, if the people of your countries do NOT want this, then you will fail, and the plain fact is, we would have failed too. This is why we will no longer waste our resources trying to force the issue.
I promise you, if you succeed in creating a free government accepted and recognized as legitimate by the international community, you will have America's full support in your continuing efforts to develop your country. AFTER you prove that it is indeed what your people want, by gaining their support and establishing that government on your own. We will not do it for you.
As far as America's enemies are concerned, I say this: America has been attacked, and continues to be targeted for further attacks by criminal organizations whose key leadership and infrastructure are believed to be hiding in your countries. On that note, I give you this warning: Our intelligence community will relentlessly hunt these men. If we determine that they are located in your country, then our satellites and spy drones and all our intelligence gathering resources will be turned upon your country. If we confirm our suspicions and determine with high certainty that our enemies are indeed in your country, then an appropriately measured military contingent will be sent into your country to capture or kill the target. We will advise you of this and expect your cooperation, but we will not ask your permission nor will we tolerate any attempt to deny us. I'll say it again, our nation has been attacked, and you can rest assured the full extent of our considerable military might will be directed at those responsible. I suggest you do not stand between us and them. We will see to it they find no safe haven anywhere on Earth, and attempting to provide it to them will align you against us with them. Weigh the consequences of that decision well before you make it.
Finally, as for Osama Bin Laden, he is no longer a threat. Yeah, you heard me. The 9/11 attacks were orchestrated and conducted by well trained, well organized and well funded fanatics, and Bin Laden was quick to proclaim the attacks were the fruits of his organizations labor. In contrast, almost a decade later, the failed underwear bombing on Christmas was attempted by a wide-eyed, impressionable and easily misguided young man hurriedly recruited and sloppily indoctrinated and trained, and it took Bin Laden nearly a month to finally sneak out a recorded message claiming responsibility.Clearly, Bin Laden's ability to conduct operations is severely diminished, he and his lieutenants are preaching world domination from caves, while praying that a U.S. spy drone doesn't find them and stuff a missile up their asses.
The reward for Bin Laden's head will be reduced to precisely what his death is now worth to the United States: 10 cents and an autographed photo of Dick Cheney. We will continue to hunt him only to achieve one goal: Justice for the families of his victims. He will either die by our hands, or he will live out the rest of his days scraping together a miserable excuse for a living, huddled in the dark corners of the world, never enjoying a moment's peace for the knowledge that if he sets foot in the light, odds are good he's going to be shot. Either way, it will be a fitting punishment for his crimes.
Now, on to the economy. First thing's first: EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING else will be put on hold until we accomplish one singular objective which is holding us back from all our other goals, and that is eliminating our dependency on foreign oil. I will garnish funding for this by making the smallest possible cuts in funding to EVERYTHING else, across the entire political spectrum. Defense, health care, you name it. All will share the burden of supporting this goal, because we simply cannot afford to borrow the money that we will need to make it happen. However, once it's accomplished, the money will come.
Yes, it's going to hurt. Yes, it's going to make our lives temporarily harder, and I realize Americans care very little for anything else but their own comfort and luxury, but the harsh reality is this: Our nation is in deep shit financially, and this is the cure. It's going to require all of us, not just politicians but every citizen, to sacrifice to fix it. If you agree, vote for me. If you disagree, vote for the other guy. If you disagree but I still get elected, you're free to move to another country where the governance is more to your liking. Once we are no longer dependent on foreign oil, we will resume focusing on the other pressing issues in need of resolving.
I'm not running on popularity, and I'm sure as hell not running on political correctness. I'm running because mistakes have been made, our country is declining because of those mistakes, and I'm going to fix it. I realize of course that the approach of simply cutting our losses and walking away, such as my intent with the wars could be viewed, could be considered irresponsible, because we are obligated to repair the damage we have done to those countries. I disagree. I think the irresponsible thing was getting as deeply involved in those countries as we did, and that we continue to be irresponsible by remaining so deeply involved.
Yes, we've done great harm to their country and that's regrettable, but I say we've done enough to get them started in the right direction. We can continue to support this initiative on a much smaller scale without forsaking our responsibility for their dilemma. Now they must take the reigns on their own. Their fates will be decided by their own people, as it should be. They will, as I said, have our full support if they establish a free and legitimate government recognized and accepted by the international community. However, we will NOT carry them there. Our obligations are fulfilled, if you ask me. If you disagree, again, vote for the other guy. I'm not here to play political popularity games, I'm here to straighten out the greatest nation on Earth while is still has a rightful claim to that proud title, and to prevent China from taking that title away from us.