Lawn Gnomes Will Eat Your French Fries

I've never been too big on the drug scene. The only drugs I've ever taken were prescription pills and pot. I got hooked on painkillers after my wisdom teeth were pulled, but I kicked that habit as soon as I ran out of pills.

However, I have been known to be very curious, and I broke the promise I made to myself, swearing that I wouldn't experiment with anything unnatural beyond marijuana and mushrooms.

One of my friends showed up at my place for a small party I was throwing. Nothing special, just a bunch of my friends gathered around the TV for some football, beer, cigarettes, beer, Smash Brothers Brawl, beer, and probably some late-night Wendy's after we got hungry. And maybe some beer afterwards.

The perfect get-together in my book.

As mentioned before, one of my friends showed up (who will be referred to as "Steve"), and he handed all of us little square pieces of paper.

"Dude.... What the fuck is this?" I inquired.
"Gentlemen...." Steve began. "Tonight is going to be the night."
"The night we lose our ass-virginity?" Dan joked.
"Yeah. That's what I had in mind. You didn't hear that part over the phone? 'Hey, wanna come over for some beer, football, and maybe a little buttsex?' Fucking tools." I replied.
"No. No, dipshits. I've been meaning to do some tripping with you guys, but the opportunity never came up. That's why tonight is THE night."

We froze.

"Woah.... This is Acid?" Tony asked.
"Damn straight."
"Fuck man, why're you bringing this shit here!? I just wanted to have a few beers with you guys, not get all fucked up!" I began to whine.
"No worries, bro. I promise you guys, this is going to just be a mild trip. No trees reaching out to grab you, no running down halls and brick walls appearing in front of you, none of that shit."

It was apparent that we still had our reservations about this. Dropping Acid? No way this could ever turn out good. Steve was the biggest stoner there, doing just about everything short of an aborted fetus. There was no such thing as a "mild trip" with Steve.

"Fine. If it turns out bad, I'll let you guys each kick me in the nuts three times." Steve added.


"Three times?" Allen chimed in.
"Three times."
"Square in the sack?"
"You heard me. You can nail me right in the junk."
"Dude, Acid was used as a pain killer back in the day. You're just gonna get fucked up and then let us kick you in the nuts without flinching. You're such an asshole." Dan said.
"Fine then. Sober. You can each kick me three times in the nuts, SOBER, if this turns out to be bad." Steve answered.

That sold us.

After writing up a contract in triplicate, and Steve signing each one, we each placed the square of paper on our tongues.

I was at first expecting it to punch me square in the ovaries with the effects, but I actually felt nothing at first.

"When does it start?" I asked.
"You'll know." Steve replied.

Fuck me in the ass and call me your sister. I didn't like the sound of that.


"You know what a great line from 'Hitch' was?" I asked.
"Fuck man, you're such a queer. Why're you quoting 'Hitch', Queery McQueer? Fucking queer. You're such a queer." Dan answered.
"I loved the line 'is it itchy in here, or is it just me'. That was such a great line, because that's how I feel right now."
"Itchy?" Tony asked.
"No. I feel like a line."
"Dude, I don't have any coke on me." Steve laughed.
"NO! Not a LINE. A LINE. Like.... a line of comedy. You know, in the universe or some shit."
"Wait.... You think that people are like a line of text?" Allen asked, wide-eyed.
"Sort of. Like, what if we aren't really people, but just a series of spoken words?"

This made everybody pause and think.

"Fuck, dude. We're fucked up. You seeing any shit yet?" Dan asked.
"Didn't you just ask that?" Steve also asked.
"That TV is shimmering." I pointed.
"That's snow, you retard."
"Why is there snow in my living room!?"
"Never mind."


Steve was driving us to Wendy's. That could only mean that he was driving high. But wait, that's a bad thing. Wait, no it isn't. Steve isn't drunk, so he can't be issued a ticket for drunk driving. Good thinking, Steve.

"Matt, what do you want?"
"Woah, whose voice was that coming out of that box?"
"Is it Jesus?" Tony asked. "Tell him I want pickles on my women made out of breasts and million-dollar bills."

This caused us to nearly throw up laughing.

"Hurry up, Matt. Jesus might get pissed." Steve said after a bit.
"Oh, ok. Gimmie like..... four cheeseburgers or something. And the biggest fries they have."
"Biggie-sized fries?"
"Pfft. Yeah, if that's what they call them. Why didn't we go to Burger King?"
"Or McDonalds?" Allen asked.
"Or White Castle?" Tony asked as well.
"Woah..... so many cheeseburgers. I'm not that hungry."

Steve placed the order and we got our food. The lady looked at us funny for some reason after Steve told her she didn't look like Jesus.


"WOAH!! PULL OVER!!!" I screamed.

Steve pulled the car to the side of the road.

"What!? What's going on!?"
"There's a lawn gnome over there! We gotta take it, maybe it'll talk to us!"
"Dude, lawn gnomes don't talk."
"This one might! Do you remember David The Gnome?"
"Not really."
"Well, that was a documentary or some shit. We gotta take it."

This was good enough for Steve, Allen, and Tony. The four of us piled out of the car, ran up, and snatched the lawn gnome. In the back of the car, Allen felt that it was necessary to begin feeding the lawn gnome our food.

"Dude, that's our food, man. We can't feed the lawn gnome our food!"
"Come on, man. Give it some of your fries!"

The entire way back, we fed that lawn gnome. It was the most glorious thing we had ever seen. Back at the house, Dan and the others were waiting.

"Where were you guys?" He asked.
"Oh man. We picked up this lawn gnome. This thing kicks ass!" Tony answered.
"Fuck the lawn gnome, let's play some Smash Brothers."
"But.... Where do we put the lawn gnome?"
"I dunno.... Put it to bed or something."

I carried the lawn gnome upstairs to my room and laid it down on my bed. While I was at it, I also made sure that it was nice and warm, so I covered it with a blanket.


"You guys coming down off it yet?" Steve asked.
"Yeah. Wow, that was pretty insane!" I exclaimed.
"I told you guys. I'm just glad this wasn't a bad batch."
"Yeah, your nuts would've been real sore, right?"
"Not really. I would've gotten you guys to sign a new contract by telling you that the old one was void because the devil was the one who signed it for me. Not me."

We paused to look at Steve.

"What!? It would've worked, too. Don't gimmie that shit, I'm not gonna let you guys destroy my nads."
"You're such a prick, Steve." Allen helpfully pointed out.

I was kicking ass with Shiek. These guys didn't stand a chance, not even at 4:00 in the morning.

"Hey guys?" I asked. "Was that lawn gnome really eating the french fries we gave it?"

Everybody stopped and looked at me.

"What?" Tony asked nervously.

We began to listen. There was a noise coming from upstairs.

"No way. No fucking way!" Steve yelled as he bolted upstairs.

In my bed was not a lawn gnome, but a crying nine-year old black girl. Holy shit. Holy dogshit. Holy jumping Jesus Christ on a fucking pogo stick. The cops are going to be out looking for this girl. We're going to get raped by the law and a few inmates with names like "Bruce", "Bubba", and "Smasher". Steve snatched the girl up, grabbed me by the arm, and hissed in my ear:

"Let's fucking go."
"Why me!?"
"This was YOUR idea, asshole!! We're dropping her off at her house, and if I'm going to prison, you're gonna come with me."


$50 can stop a crying nine-year old any day of the week. It also doesn't hurt to let her know that she can't tell anybody about what happened, or else she loses the $50.

My friends are dicks.

Uploaded 05/14/2008
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