We get it!  You're bitter!

Hey lady, just because Mr. "We were young and dumb" left your ass for a chick that was 10 years younger and 20 times nicer than you, doesn't mean that all of us internet bravado-spewing patrons of the internet are perverts.  Or maybe we are, but maybe you just can't handle that men have sex drives.  Clearly you have a chip on your shoulder, and two on alimony.

Thanks for making it clear that your "standards are high....VERY high. You do not qualify, trust me." well before you even knew if my standards would even let you in the door.  Judging by your rhetoric and penchant for passing opinions well before anyone came within 3 bytes of you, I can tell you that you're far more hassle than you are worth.

Your personality comes off with the warmth and affection of Mount Vesuvius.  If I were to find my eternal embrace in your arms, I'd welcome the eternal part, not so much the embrace.  It's no wonder you're bombarded by perverts.  You scare off the decent men just as they come within earshot of your tyrannical oration of what sounds more like the peace policy guidelines of the Third Reich than that of a (clearly) single female-seeking-male.  You make "long walks on the beach"  conjure up images of Normandy.

Oh, and notice despite my off-the-cuff and rambling rant, I still take the time to use the Enter key so my readers aren't bombarded with what amounts to O'Hare's Runway 36L of hate-spewing text and a very liberal use of CAPITAL LETTERS.  Honestly, your blog looks like a study of estrogen in typography, with punctuation brought to you by the letters P, M, and S.

The enemy of an enemy is a friend.  In your case, you must have a lot of enemies that are friends.  Reading your rant makes me want to call up your ex -whoever he is- and just extend my compassion for what he must have endured.  I'll be sure not to make any loud noises.

Not only do you waltz in here and immediately start taking left-right hooks at us men with the discrimination of Enola Gay, but before the mushroom cloud even dissipates you're checking the women off your kill list, too.  God forbid should you have competition!  You see a woman's curves on your screen and the first thing you do is start trashing anything that resembles what you once were.  Insecure much?  All the qualms you have with those girls are valid, but they got something that you don't got, babe:  Tact.

And, your little ending... 'Not an invitation to bug you'?  What is that, a challenge?  No thanks!  After reading your take on the Dos and Don'ts to even interacting with you, I decided masochism wasn't on my To-Do list this millennium.  I'd rather watch Lifetime all night than put up with a chick that checks out her own ass by swiveling her head in circles.

Your personality flaws are cloaked in a veil with the opacity of tightly-stretched saran wrap over last week's dinner, and the left-overs don't look too appealing.  I think I'm going to have take out, thank you.  Preferably Asian.  Even when they're sour, they're still sweet.

You ever stop and notice that despite all the irritating and seemingly absurd things all these people do that annoy you, they actually enjoy life?  That's because they are human and know they aren't perfect, and they know that everyone else isn't perfect too.  So guess what, missy?  I watch porn, I make bodily noises, I make raunchy jokes, I like girls that flirt and show some curves, and I am much better in bed than I would ever tell the truth about, and I still wouldn't ask you to dinner!

Besides, no one likes sour left-overs.

-Brought to you by the letters R, J, and M.