I stand alone,
I'm in silence to all that shut me out
I can't seem to say what I would like
its is like there is no-one there
or if there was wouldn't really care anyway
I don't like living like this or like being alone
Its daylight but yet I am still in darkness
and I can't find anything I lost
I know its there, somewhere
there's so many things I've lost, but again
its also very dark in this daylight world of mine
If you could would you help me? No-one
when I am, standing alone..
Ric D Castellanos
Let me get you up to date on where I am at with this. First of all I have just completed the ADAPT program after spending 4 out of 6 weeks in the Station Two Mental Hospital. There I was diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depression Recurrent Disorder and then put on eight different meds. I still see a therapist once a week and she does not see me getting better any time soon. For the last year and a half I have not had a penny to my name. I have had friends that let me stay with them but that would ware out, so I would sleep in the woods having thoughts of hanging myself from one of the tree's, then I think about my six children who's mother's haven't let me see them in 18 years, just because the mother's said NO you can't visit them. Anyway I would not like them to think I was so weak I would commit suicide. No I want my kids to know me by not what their mothers tell them but by who I really am. I get upset because it seems like no-one is listening to me kind of like the movie "I am Sam" I feel like I am a retard somewhat why would God let this happen? I cry in front of people I don't even know just as I am now having to explain this again, I am so tired not being able to have a day I can say "hey today is the day we are all going to the beach"
I can't because I have no money to do so. I watch others as they get ready to go and knowing the situation I sneak out and find myself lost in a place i thought was America but begin to think I am in a communist country. I see all these people from the Dino Constance "Murder for hire" case get paid all this money and why did they get that money, Me, Ricci Castellanos gave them that everyone who worked on his case and the people who will oversee him for the rest of his life. Then there's the guy who hit me in Fred Meyer's parking lot all the party's involved from the ambulance company who has taken me to the hospital at least 6 times at 848.00 each time, the surgeon who took my gallbladder,the mental hospital i stayed for a month at 3000.00 a day,the ADAPT program for its outpatient program at 2000.00 a day, my meds,emergency room visits anyway its getting close to the 150.000 dollar allotted from crimes victim when all they had to do was pay for my hospital stay when i was hit by Andrew A. Bartholomew the driver of the Chevy blazer because I was working making 42.77 an hour as a job site superintendent. I am seeing over a million dollars paid out and still being paid out and it was all because I chose to save a woman's life and then again try and help another lady who was pushed by a shoplifter. If I was to get some kind of payment I would be able to get my own place with a calendar and mark those events I want to go to. i would be able to hopefully get off these meds and feel like a normal person. I feel so lost and I shake all the time because I am scared that someone wants to hurt me. Since the arrest of Dino I have been beat up three different times for being a RAT, and those were from people i did not know. If someone gave me 53 years I would have nothing to lose, I would make sure who gave it to me dies. I would make sure he is taken away from his loved ones as he did to me. I am scared of the police here because I am making an issue of them not letting me know I had rights as a witness to be protected from harm and threats. They did nothing but set me out there to be victimize by both sides. I guess i rambled long enough, i am sorry. I don't go anywhere and I am sad because I don't have anyone anymore but people getting paid for me to ride my bike to all the appointments (hoops) and it makes for along bike ride. The bike I have is one I put together and it is not even a adult bike my 1200.00 bike was stolen from Fred Meyer's the night I was taken to the hospital after being hit and no-one wants to help me there either, but you know what I have never missed a appointment (hoop) because I have to do this all by myself I live and breath this damn mess and I am so tired i don't want this in my head no more I want to be loved by a real woman I want to have feelings like I use to, I want to be touched not hit by people who care. Please I am begging you as a humane being to not let this go unjust.
Thanks so very much for even giving me the hope that someone like yourselves can and will see that the right decisions are made. I lived by the law of the land, what gives others the right not to do so even when they are the ones who wrote these laws?
Ricci D. Castellanos
Case Number Person Name File Date Participant Code Status
73439 Bartholomew, Andrew A 03-26-07 Defendant Open
78204 Bartholomew, Andrew A 08-24-07 Defendant Open
78205 Bartholomew, Andrew A 08-24-07 Defendant Closed No Docket
71694 Bartholomew, Andrew Alvin 05-08-08 Defendant Open
15964V Bartholomew, Andrew A 01-15-08 Defendant Open
70972 Bartholomew, Andrew A 02-04-08 Defendant Open
79616 Bartholomew, Andrew A 04-18-08 Defendant Open
292201 Bartholomew, Andrew Alvin 07-07-08 Defendant Open
I forgotten to inform you the Clark County Prosecutors Office when I was their Key witness that they as prosecutors never did inform me that I had rights as a witness. That I was to be protected from harm and threat to be informed of all court proceedings involving Dino Constance. That i ws to be protected from having to talk to investigators but I was tricked by investigator to talk to him about another case i was involved in back in 1995 the Happy face killer Kieth Jesperson. He was my cell mate and I was the first one he told about the 8 murders he had done. I was the one who went to the Multnomah County Sheriffs and Told them about Tanya Bennent. I was the one who got the two people that were in prison for 5 years for her Murder. Yes I see a good chance for Dino to win his appeal and what would it look like that this ric castellanos has lost his mind? Yea they sure did protect me as you can see.
I don't know what I am going to do it seems like everyone has their own agenda and I guess when it comes to me am not part of it. I want so much to be happy but I am very alone. I met with the two ladies from Clark County VA and they met with me at the hospital where I was a patient at Station Two. It was nice of them to bring me a 50.00 Winco card, I used it to buy bathroom and other house cleaners. I am a compulsive cleaner inside and out and I believe I get that from growing up in foster homes and groups homes when I was younger. I am 49 years old and I have always wanted nothing but for someone to be proud of me. Do you know what it is like to grow up in 5 or 6 or even 7 homes a year? I bet not. Let me tell you a little about growing up in a home that is not yours. First of all when the women from the State Welfare Office pulls up and you recognize them you know that they are there to take you away and for no reason as a kid you don't say nothing to anybody, you gather your things and get into the back of their waiting car. What is a kid to say? None of the other boys had to leave, what have I done, I never could figure that out. No tears to shed just these two women telling me I was going to like my new home and that I would have to change schools. Yes I was going to the other side of town to be money in someone else's pocket. (kinda of like all the pockets I fill now) I had to bring my two paper bags with me always because that is all I ever owned (that is two more bags then I own now) and my life was in those bags. I would come into these home and try my damn est to be wanted. I never stole from any of them but back then there was not to many Mexican children around and I would get blamed for a lot of things that came up missing. When I would go to bed, I would have to the closet and get out the foster kid bed. Kids that had been there awhile would have their beds, kinda like jail when you go there you start out on the floor and wait for someone to get released. But again I was so use to that it was pattern. I would lay there wondering where my parents were and why didn't they want me and where's my brother how come I couldn't go where he went? I would here them in the other room, they thought we boys were all asleep I could here them talking about me. Saying things like the money they were getting for me wasn't going to enough for them to take the vacation they had been wanting to go on. I would get up in the morning while the other boys were already getting to the breakfast table, I was folding my bed and putting it away only to be in trouble because we didn't come down as a group. I did the same as I do now and say I.m sorry I will try not to be late. Those mornings would be my last mornings in homes like that because I did not like getting yelled at in front of strangers I did not like being mad fun of in front of people I did not know. I would eat, do my chores and get ready to go with either one of the parents to go sign up for school, taking as much as I could without them knowing I was not coming back. School's out and I am on the other side of town. I don't know anyone but a couple of the boys from the home and I tell them "I am not going back" and runaway. I would go a couple days walking around town and find my way back to the detention hall here in Vancouver and they knew I would be coming back as they always kept the cell next to the kitchen there for me. About three years of that here in Vancouver two years in Portland and six years in Stockton CA
I grew up with seeing and feeling hurt and pain from the inside out and here I am at 49 years old and I still have people making money on me being who I am. Still dragging out that cot from the closet because it beats sleeping on just a floor or under some tree, still having people talk about me and laughing but in a way that I don't understand. You see when I was young I did learn something, I learn that I have only me and that the hurt the pain I went through well, it hurts it hurts really bad and I would never want someone young or old, child or adult, good or bad to go through what I did then or what I am having to go through now. You'll go home tonight, think about this email, and when you do think about it please think from your heart, like I did when I try to stop a woman from getting killed, another from getting pushed by a shoplifter, or a man and woman in prison for five years for something they did not do. I did not know these people but did what I thought was right. Do you think they think about me and wonder what I am doing now.