Man's secret to a long happy marriage, for SJG

SJG said in a previous blog that she presupposes that every word that a man says to her face is a lie.  I'm not here to criticize this position at all.  I assume everything that everybody tells me is false unless I get sufficient evidence to the contrary, and even then I'm dubious.  It's a shitty way to operate, but you're almost never surprised, disappointed, and most people are fucking toe jam.


Depending on where you meet a guy, his lying just goes with the territory.  You meet a guy at a party or bar, he'll probably tell you flat out that he'd say anything to get into your pants. 


"I'm an astronaut.  No... I'm a doctor.   No... I'm an emergency medical tech that writes poetry while I rescue kittens from shelters."


In my wife selection process, I had some advantages.  First of all, the woman who's my wife today dated my roommate for two years.  I do NOT hawk my buddy's girlfriends.  But I have NEVER subscribed to Bros before Hos.  If you shit all over your fine-ass girlfriend and you're broken up, I'm not above pillaging the shit out of her while your back is turned.  I'm not going to hide if from you.  I might even tell you before I do it.  But my crew and I were pretty bizarre with the inbreeding we did.  My best friend in high school married the girl I dated senior year in high school and first year at UT.


As a result of being in close contact with my future spouse for years and the fact that I didn't consider her a valid option for penis docking procedures, I didn't have to front at all around her.  She saw me just the way I am.  Being an invalid sexual partner didn't exactly make her one of the guys, but it was pretty damn close.  She saw me date, knew people I'd had sexual escapades with, heard my unedited evaluations of those interludes and their social consequences, and she knew how I handled relationships and their terminations.  We got to know each other very well without any sexual baggage.


After we hooked up, there weren't a lot of surprises. 


I've managed to follow an important procedure in my relationship with my wife.  I never lie to her.  Not at all.  Not about anything.  There's no upside to lying to your wife.  None.  Guys, if you're listening, you suck at lying.  You do.  It's a fact.  It's hooked into our Y chromosome.  You might think you're a good liar, but trust me, compaired to the lamest woman, you're a punk.


I'm not saying you can't convince a woman you're telling the truth when you're not.  Anybody can do that.  That's the easy part of lying.  Once you've done that, all you have to do is keep track of that lie for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.  That, gentlemen, is what you suck at.  Women, however, are wizards at keeping track of EVERYTHING YOU FUCKING SAY.  They can't help it.  They can't remember how to program the DVR.  They can't remember when to change the fucking oil in the car.  They have no idea how to get to work if they're leaving from an unfamiliar place.  They're helpless if you use cardinal directions like North and South.  BUT THEY WILL REMEMBER, WITHOUT FAIL, EVERY FUCKING WORK THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.


If you're planning on spending the rest of your life with a woman, don't add a single thing to the "bullshit I must remember forever" list.  It's not fucking worth it.  White lies ARE FUCKING LIES.  Don't do it.  Consider the scenario below:


Wife:  Honey, do these pants make me look fat?

Husband:  No, dear, the pants are fine.  It's your enormous ass that makes you look fat.


Believe it or not, this is a win.  The only problem with the man's delivery was the second sentence.  You should not use the words "enormous" and "ass" one after the other when talking to your wife.  But you SHOULD tell her that she's fat if she is.  It's that kind of honesty in a tough situation that'll put your wife at ease later.


My wife KNOWS, for sure, that if I cheated on her that it'd be the first thing I said to her the next time I saw her.  There's no fucking way I'm going to put up with the pathetic, litany of mewling lies I'd have to spew for the rest of my life to cover it up.


If I don't know you, I probably won't lie to you because I either don't think you're worth the effort or I don't give a shit what you think.  I'm not exactly above lying from a moral perspective.  But in a relationship with my wife, it's not in my best interest.  Telling hard truths you know are going to cause a huge fight is an investment in your future.  Swallow that brussel sprout whole and get if over with.  Don't pick away at it and draw the unpleasant experience out.  I will take a punch in the stomach today to avoid a serious two hand ass beating a year from now.  It's just common sense.


Apply these simple philosophies in your personal life and you too can have an 18 year long marriage where your wife is twirling around like Julie Andrews, singing around the house.  Well... that and you have to, on occasion, suck her pussy until her nose bleeds.

Uploaded 12/26/2010
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