I can't shake the feeling that any sense of peace or hapiness would only make me ignorant. I don't know why I make the association but I am deeply afraid to be comfortable or happy, for fear that this would reflect great weakness or the collapse of my identity. This is a serious problem, likely owing to the fact that I have bonded with my misery.
I used to think that it was a terrible affliction to not be able to stop thinking. Now I can't stop thinking, or identifying with it, or feeling like it is all I am. I supsoe you could call this descartes syndrome. I used to think I was because I felt, now all I am is thought. When was the last time I felt anything? I think I was happy when I could feel, long before I knew hapiness was just releases of endorphins and oxytocin. Now every time I feel joy I think I have an oxytocin addiction.
Maybe I was once ignorant of the cause of my feelings but I was at peace then, and no one found me offensive. Now I am unpleasant and annoying, I alienate everyone and I can never stop thinking. Is the light that has been brought to my understanding of the functions of my mind really preferable? Maybe this is why reasonable people still have religion. Because an ignorant fairy tale makes people so much easier to deal with and it makes life bearable for them.
I can't stand it though. I can't stand ignorance anymore. I suffer for knowledge every day but that is how it is. It won't accomplish anything, it will likely destroy me, but I can't give it up. Knowledge is an addiction. It is terrible that I can't stop thinking.
To even consider the idea, of choosing feelings over thoughts, conjures such an image of the feeble midned creature I would be that I am too sickened to take any action.
I know I am not brilliant by any measure. I feel as if I am of average inteligence at best, and yet knowledge is my only power. Maybe that is why I cling to it. I feel so powerless all the time.
It is this culture and it's awful mandates that make me desire power. I know this. I could be satisfied to be at peace if only there were not constant demands being placed on me to wield more power. I should be beyond it all. why should I let this culture ruin me with it's irrational demands.
Sometimes it seems the only way to survive is to just stop caring.