Never Prank a Marine

I was watching those top ten "make you hurl" videos, which btw were very disappointing in that I was actually expecting them to make me hurl, like 2 girls 1 cup almost did. They were lame compared to that, and have no right to hold any position even CLOSE to the top ten "make you hurl" videos on the internet.


But anyway, that's not what inspired me to write this blog. The hair-in-the-pizza one is. The victim in that video has a high haircut that makes me think he's military, or perhaps high-end law enforcement like SWAT or state trooper. This led me to wonder if he, like me, is a U.S. Marine (though he looks a little on the fat side for a Marine, there are in fact a few of us who have a bit more to our weight than just muscle. It's frowned upon, but not all Marines flawlessly uphold Marine values... ANYWAY, moving on). This in turn led me to wonder what he did to get back at her, since no prank pulled on a Marine goes unpunished...


And finally, this led me to think about all the pranks me and my brothers in arms have pulled on one another over the years, whether we're deployed, all holed up in one squad bay, seperate rooms in a barracks, or even when we get homes of our own off base. When we're not training or fighting, we're doing stupid shit. Anyone in the military can attest to that. Reflecting on that, I came to the conclusion that servicemen and women probably pull pranks on one another at a pace that puts college frat boys to shame, always trying to top the last one, and thus could arguably be considered the prank elite, whom no amateur in his right mind would ever want to get into a prank-battle with.


Furthermore, having witnessed many a prank-fight play out between Marines and other servicemembers with the same inexorable conclusion, I daresay that in pranks (as in much else amongst the armed services) we're the best of the best. But I'm not one to blow my own horn and dance to my own music without being tested and proven. And so we come to the reason for my latest blog... I want to know your best pranks, and I'll tell you how I would retaliate were said prank pulled on me.


I'm not the best prankster in my unit, that honor goes to one Christopher Gomez who, though unfortunately is no longer with us, still has yet to be matched. Still, I expect I'll be more than a match for the majority of civilians I'll encounter here, particularly the many teenagers who haven't lived long enough to truly know where the line is and how to cross it. 


Some things to keep in mind here: While you'll be expected to explain how the trigger is hidden, i.e. why the victim would be caught unawares (meaning you can't just say "I'd make him eat such and such" without explaining how you would get him to eat it, by hiding it in food or whatnot), as long as you cover all your bases (no obviously detectable hints of the prank to give it away) it will be assumed that the prank is 100% certain to succeed. There will be no "That would never work on me, I'm not stupid, I'd see it coming a mile away, I'm like a cat, blah blah blah". Shut up. Unless you're a shaolin master, you can be caught off your guard, it's just a matter of timing.


Also, it will be assumed that we are the equivalent of siblings living together in the same house. We will both have unlimited access to the entire house, including one another's rooms. There will be no need to describe how one got into anyplace to set up a booby trap, i.e. no "I lock my bedroom door and windows when I'm not there" to prevent people setting up traps in your room. All options are open to us both.


Finally, I don't intend to post an initial prank of my own, since my pranks are planned around many things, such as what pranks have been pulled on/by the victim in the past, what aftermath ensued from those pranks i.e. how the victims handled it, and other situational factors like whether or not the victim has done something to deserve retribution, and how severe. If someone insists, I'll post an initial prank, but I'll warn you now it'll be on the assumption that all of those factors are ZERO, meaning they're new to the prank-war and have done nothing to deserve serious retribution... such a prank would thus be pretty weak, in comparison to the advanced ones, and easily trumped by a more heinous prank. Still, if you need me to get the ball rolling, I'll give it a little nudge.


This is no holds barred. Short of death and dismemberment, you can inflict any prank upon your victim, ranging from humiliating to disgusting to flat out agonizingly painful, or all of the above.


Ready? Go.

Uploaded 07/15/2008
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