Today Red had made a promise to himself, he would leave his house. He was going to be a new man. No more masterbating every hour on the hour or making music over Windows sound recorder. Today was the day he would stop spending 98% of his day on Ebaumsworld and finally kick his dunk-a-roos habit which was getting out of hand. Red made a promise to himself that he would change his old ways and maybe go outside and do something with his life.

He was 58 years old and the last women's vagina he had saw was his mothers. That was 58 years ago, when Red was born. Yet the image of his mother's stretched vagina was clear in his head so that when his internet would go down, he still had a nice memory to jack off to in the shower. Red looked at himself in the mirror as he was ready to face the world for the first time since high school. The man Red saw had little differences from younger 18 year old Red. He was still fat, still had only one eye, and his teeth were still the color of the urine you see in public restroom toilets. The only difference is that he was no longer balding but was actually bald now. Red began to cry. He wished he could look like his favorite actor and idol, Jackie Chan. He wondered why god blessed Jackie Chan with good looks, nice hair, and two eyes.

Red sat back down on his bean bag chair. He was not yet ready to face the world. He opened up a fresh box of dunk-a-roos and began eating. Then Red got a knock on the door. He hustled to the door thinking this was god coming to fix his day and make up for giving Red such a terrible life. He whipped the door open and standing there was the UPS man. Red wondered what this man was doing here and then he remembered that he had ordered every single season of "Lost" on DVD. Red was overwhelmed with joy. He quickly signed his name and grabbed the box and ran to his bean bag chair. Red's luck had changed. Now he could spend the next week inside watching every episode of Lost while he ate his dunk-a-roos.

Red decided he would face the world next week.