On the playground fence.

I'm pretty beside myself today.... I don't know why this is getting to me so much today, but it is.

See the conflict I have right now is deciding if I ever want kids.   I keep going back and forth between logic and emotion.  And now that all of my friends are having kids, the topic keeps coming up.

Realistically, I would never want to attempt to raise a child in my current living situations.  I also don't know the first thing about being pregnant or caring for infants.  I know that if i were to become a mother, the rest of my life would be put on hold.  I couldn't pursuit the industrial type of work I enjoy... the places I work are no place for a pregnant lady... I would have to spend my entire pregnancy on Parental Leave and wouldn't have time left to spend with a new born.   I also don't take very good care of myself... I smoke, and my diet sucks.  I would also not be able to isolate myself in a cottage somewhere remote... I'm ok with me being hours away from a hospital... but wouldn't feel so good about keeping an infant that far.... not only that.. kids need friends and parents who will have time for them.  Cottage living is not something I would subject a child to as a life... vacation sure... but not 24/7.   So much would have to happen if I were to plan to have a child.

 I also know that I would hate being pregnant.   It's not just the symptoms that deter me, it's the attention expecting mothers get.   I don't like people touching me... unless it's my boyfriend.  I don't hug family or friends, I even find going to the doctor to be very invasive.   It's not only that, after i have the baby, people are going to expect visits.  I know my mother is going to try and tell me how to parent... she's been trying to tell me how to buy a car, even though she's never drove, and my parents have been using company issued vehicles for over 10 years now... while I took 3 years of auto mechanics, and have bought and maintained 2 of my own vehicles so far in my life.  If she thinks she knows better than me in that subject, I can only imagine what she would have to say about something she actually has some experience with. 

And to be honest... children scare and confuse me.   Their niave little brains, and their way of reasoning is far beyond my grasp and too much for my small amount of patience.  I hate when kids stare at me... I feel like I should be doing something to entertain them, but I don't know what to do.  Toddlers also very much pick up on that, and even the most out-going child hides behind mommy's leg whenever I try and talk to them.   I also find it very awkward talking to women about their pregnancies... I can manage to ask the generic questions like "when ya due?.... is a boy or a girl?..... what are you going to name it?" but I have never touched a pregnant lady's belly, or held a new born baby.  I don't know enough to talk about in detail about pregnancy either.   I also really don't know how the people I know manage... not many of them are in good financial situations... hell some of them can hardly take care of themselves. I'm baffled by their abilities to make things work.  I'm almost jealous of their outwardly expression of lack of worry. 

But, the maternal instinct is there... sometimes.  It comes and goes.  The more I think about having children the less I want one.  But I still think about it... often.   There's a part of me that wants kids, but I don't know why... I can only attribute it to instinct.... even though it's more like a feeling of envy.
I really feel like I'm missing out on whatever joy a child brings to one's life.  I want to know what that's like.   All the cute little quirks, their first word, their first hair cut...  you know... the good memories that parents get to have.  Hell, I'm even envious of the responsibilities... that sense of purpose.  I don't know......

I know my boyfriend wants kids.  At the age of 32, he wants some yesterday.   Of course there's that part of me that wants to fulfill that for him.  When I watch him interact with his 5 year old nephew,  the biological clock starts a-ticking.  I can't help but smile when I see how good he is around kids.  I know he would be an excellent father.  The memory of him crying when we found that I wasn't pregnant, when we thought I might of been, will forever be burned in my brain.   Despite him knowing that it wouldn't be good for us financially, he still wanted it, and was ready to step up and do whatever it took. "I don't care BB, I'll work 80 hour weeks at McDonalds... I'd do anything for you and our family if we have one".   We talk about it a lot, and I usually take the "anti-baby" side.  Usually the conversation ends with him saying "I know it'll never happen, so it doesn't matter".   Realistically, there is a lot of logic behind what he says, but I can't help but feel really guilty for letting him down like that.   I somewhat know where he's coming from.  No matter how many times I tell myself that it wouldn't be a good thing, I can't put the thought at ease.

Today is probably the strongest these feelings have ever been.  I'm so torn by this...  I know it would be so wrong for me to try and have kids right now, but there's that part of me that knows I wouldn't get upset if the bf pulled out 2 seconds too late.

(P.S  I'm sorry if this blog was all over the place and a little odd.. I'm not my regular self today).

Uploaded 05/03/2011
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