Pittsburgh Cab Drivers Know Kung Fu

It was just a normal Saturday night. It was just me and three girls, Cathy, Vicki, and Steve. We were all heading out to the bar for a night of celebration. It was the end of finals, and we could get as hammered as we wanted without fear of being too sick for classes. That, and Saturdays are karaoke nights, and God knows, karaoke is a blast when you're drunk.

Just a normal Saturday night. It was snowing like a bastard for some reason, and Vicki just "wasn't comfortable" with driving her car to the bar. Just a normal Saturday night, where cabs refused to come for us. So what do we do?

We called our usual cab driver.

His name was Leroy, and this guy is the man. The last time we came back from the bar, Steve puked all over himself, his leather jacket, the seats, his shoes, and Vicki. Leroy's reaction was simply, "Well shit." Normally, we were supposed to be billed for the cleaning charges, but apparently some guy tipped Leroy $1000 for no reason.

This is how awesome Leroy is.

So as we were standing there waiting for our cab, three preps, all decked out in prep gear, came up and waited next to us. There it was.... after an hour of waiting in the cold, Leroy was coming! We got ready and..... the preps rushed our cab.

OUR motherfucking cab.

"HEY!! That's our motherfucking cab, motherfuckers!" I squealed.
"Eat a dick, fag!" One of the preps yelled.
"Outta my cab, homes. I know these guys." Leroy grinned.

Needless to say, the preps weren't pleased. As we walked past them smirking and laughing, the unthinkable happened. One of them pushed Steve. My reaction was immediate. I brought my fist straight into that bastard's face with all the force my 150 pound frame could muster. I felt a fist connect with my jaw and I stumbled to the side.

I regained my composure and tackled the nearest prep I could find. Blow after blow landed, and before I knew it, the three preps had surrounded me and began to kick me in the ribs. Where the hell was Steve!?

All of a sudden, God as my witness, one of the three preps simply disappeared. One moment, he was standing over me laughing like a bastard and kicking my ass, and the next he was gone. Something had the other two preps' attentions.

"Holy SHIT!!" I heard somebody screech. I looked around, and there was the missing prep getting his shit ruined by Leroy in some crazy martial arts stance. The prep threw a wild swing and Leroy ducked and pounded the shit out of this kid's ribcage. While the other two were watching, I snapped up and brought my head up under one prep's chin. He took a few steps back and was ready to come for me again, when Leroy's flying dragon-kick found its way home into the poor guy's nose.

I could hear the pop and the blood squirt out. The third prep tried to swing, but Leroy grabbed the kid's arm and put him in some crazy lock. The prep dropped to his knees and called uncle.

Me and Leroy stood over our fallen enemies for a few moments. Then, one of the preps had the nerve to speak.

"What the FUCK, MAN!?" He whined. "All we wanted was a fuckin' ca-"

And before he could finish his sentence, he received one of the sweetest kicks to the nuts I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. The sound of his balls shooting up into his stomach resounded throughout the winter air.

"Your mother." Was all Leroy had to say.

What bothered me wasn't so much that I got my ass kicked by three preps. It was the fact that a cab driver took on the same three guys and tore open their assholes, goatse style. When we got to the bar, we bought Leroy many drinks.

Leroy is a big fan of shots of 151.

It was just a normal Saturday night....

Uploaded 06/25/2008
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