PLEASE read this i need help 4

So to recap, on my last three blogs i was explaining how in high school I waited and waited throughout the entire 4 years to meet the girl of my dreams who wouldn't be like everyone else and who would really love me enough to wait to have sex with me til we were married, oh and was also a girl that wanted the same, duh. I had many friends and girlfriends in high school but i wanted to be different and wait til marriage to have sex because i wanted to live the perfect special life having been only with the girl who has only been with me, and keeping it like that for our entire lives. I also had a big fear of getting a girl pregnant or catching an STD which was sort of a phobia for me. I was also a person who stayed away from drugs, never alcohol, just drugs because i really thought that just one try would get me hooked. Seriously, i have seen drugs do some crazy shit to people and didn't want to end up like them. Well after no luck finding the gril of my dreams and the constant heartache, I decided it was time for a change. I then met a girl who was into raves and decided to try ecstasy. I loved it and decided to start selling it. In the few months I was selling I made tooo much money if there is such a thing, but I also met a girl who used to be with a guy I had once known briefly. She was with him for 3 years and their relationship ended when she found out he was talking about her behind her back. She was at the time a devout Christian but really loved him so she gave in to his request and showed him she loved him even though she wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. She soon found he had ruined her life by telling everyone of his accomplishment. I never knew her personally, but I had really always thought this girl was beautiful and a nice person by the very brief times I had seen her. Well, a year after they break up is when this all takes place and I meet her when her and a mutual friend of ours decides to introduce us. We hit it off and after a few failed dates we become a couple after about a month and a half of dating. I always wanted to meet a virgin to marry and experience our first love making after being married, but she showed me care, and respect like noone before her so I made an exception for her. A couple of months later, after her showing me her appreciation and interest in me and not just my money, she told me she loved me. I was surprised, and shocked and didn't fully comprehend the importance of this situation. I could one tell her what I wanted out of my first love experience and tell her I just could not continue this relationship and leave or tell her I love her and stay. What i said was "OK". She immediately started crying and turned her back to me and called off our date. I told her i felt sorry and didn't mean to hurt her, I just wanted to be sure of how I felt, but that I appreciated her love for me greatly, and that I would not misplace it. We continued to date and it wasn't long before I felt the need to express my love for her. I had been in this situation before, when me and another girl were hot and bothered, but i had always turned the girl down, even once when the girl was naked on my bed wanting me to badly take her, and I promise on anything I can promise on that I regret turning that girl down because she was a possible future Playmate. But physical feelings were never an issue until now. I felt love now in a way i had never felt before and didn't know what to do. I really wanted to keep my ways, but didn't want to lose another girl. So I gave in and we made the best love ever, even though my first time was a bit rough. I have never regretted that moment and never will, but now 4 years after that moment I find myself wondering what could have happened. You see, our relationship continued and we continued to make love like any other couple, and about 2 and a half years later we concieved our first child, who is my Jr. Now I am ever so happy that we have such a beautiful bundle of joy, as is she, but I find myself in some akward situations. Being that I treat others the way I want to be treated, I have always been a faithful man to her and I know she has been the same to me, but I now get strange feelings. I never thought I would, but I get the curiosity to wonder what else could have been. I never thought it would matter to me, but I find myself wanting to date other girls. I love her to death, but get these thought's in my head that I want to live the player life. I have actually since had request's from girls who just want to "get drunk" with me and just that "get drunk" one night, and from girls that are unbelievably hot even to me, without me even flirting intentionally at least. A girl at work wore a very revealing shirt underneath her sweater at work, and asked me in private if she thought it would be dress code compliant, and removed it to almost completely show me some of the nicest breasts I have ever seen. After seeing the shirt I knew it was not, but had to keep from leading her on, so said "I don't think so," and quickly turned away feeling foolish about what I was doing. Any other guy would have probably handled the situation differently, but I could not act otherwise without my conscience affecting me. Since that time I met a cute girl at the store where I work, and she flirted with me so strongly that a co-worker, gave her two cents and suggested the girl just write her number for me on a paper and just hand it to me. When she said that the girl just looked at me as if waiting for my approval and I just stood frozen, not knowing whether to say yes or no, and before I could respond the co-worker, quickly apologized for putting me on the spot and the girl asked me something to change the subject. I basically want to know if my feeling like this is right and normal and what you may think i should do. thanks

Uploaded 05/12/2008
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