*Headlines For The Year 2038:

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

A $75-billion study lasting 85 years proves diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.

Average adult male in America weighs more than 250 pounds; women close in on 200.

Cost of first-class stamp is now $17.89; mail is only delivered on Wednesday.

Congress requires that every high school in America include an abortion clinic.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton bans smoking everywhere in the country where two or more people are present.

Global cooling is blamed for the third consecutive year of crop failures in Mexifornia and Floruba.

France pleads for outside assistance after country is conquered by Jamaica. No one comes to their aid