Ok, it's pretty obvious from the comments here that you guys have figured me out.  Well, I believe in facing things straight up, so let's talk about that.

Yes, as most of you have figured out, I have foot fungus.  Raging, uncontrollable tinea pedis.  My nails are black in places and warped to hell.  They crack and bleed and sock lint gets ground into them.  The stench of darkened toe cheese is totally rank.  Dogs especially excited around my feet and desire to lick them.

So ok, yeah, I have foot fungus.  And I don't have a nose.  I had to have it amputated years ago because the nose hairs were driving me up the wall.  They would grow out and get in my mouth when I tried to eat.  Finally I said, "Fuck this booyah," and went to the best plastic surgeon in my congressional district and told that bitch to give me a nose without hair on it.  Dude botched the job, so now I gotta wear this Groucho Marx prosthetic shit.

Is that so difficult to accept for you people?  That I have foot fungus and no nose?  For that I have to be ostracized?  For that you treat me as second class citizen?  What if I had elephantiasis on my gonads?  Would you guys have a problem with that?  Cause I do.  It even spreads around back to my anus so that I have hemorrhoids sticking out like cypress roots.  I also eat foetuses.

So you guys go right ahead.  Dis me.  That's fine.  I'm an easy target.  But I... I like me.  My wife likes me.  Cause I'm the genuine article.  What you see is what you get.