A while back I wrote a few blogs about my relationship with the mother of my son. We were not married but had plans on getting married and I kind of feared the commitment required of it so was fine without it. Well, I considered greatly, breaking up with her for multiple reasons because, to be honest, I was in love with every part of her personality. I just wanted to experiment with other girls and I felt that was too childish of a reason to beak up our family. I would never like her to cheat on me so I would not cheat on her, even though I had ocuntless chances to do so. Well, the feeling of wanting something else emerged from me when I began to act differently towards her. I didnt notice I was, but I was being rude and mentally abusive towards her( i have had time to think and understand this) and she took it because she loved me and I loved her. She took it for so long without telling me about it that she built up anger and frustration as people do when they break up and she finally left me.  

               Now, I understand that I was wrong and understood that after reminiscing on our past and tried and tried to make up for how I acted in order to get her back because we really had a great connection and love for one another. Everyone who knew us thought we looked perfect together and were all shocked to hear we had broken up. We had been together for 5 years and had been raising a son for the latter 3. I honestly still feel I love her yet she tells me she doesn't love me. The crazy part is her actions. She tells me she wants me to leave her alone and that she wants space and when I leave her alone a few days later she starts calling me for any reason. Stunningly, this had been going on for 3 months. Everyone tells me to just ignore her when she starts to act differently unless she approaches me to talk. I am ignorant however and tried to ask her out everytime I felt like she was giving in, to which she turned me down and made me feel like shit again. Finally, after his third birthday party I approach her to ask her if she would give our family another chance, to which she replies "I have someone else." Naturally, I am shocked. I try and ask her to tell me she is lying to which she replies that she is not. I again try once more to explain the epiphany I have had that showed me all my flaws, but she says it is too late. I get angry as hell and slam the door to her car, and tell her "fine. Just leave me alone now. I want nothing to do with you anymore. I could easily move on, but I wanted my family more than anything. Key word "WANTED"" I tell her. She stays there parked for a while after I leave which shocked me, because she tried to run me over when I wouldn't shut the door to her car and let her leave since she said she was in a "hurry".

           At this point I was madly in hell. I felt angry at myself for acting as I did to cause her to break up our family and I hated myself even more because had left her alone like everyone had suggested instead of doing what I thought was right, we might have been back together. I decide to finally get over my pain and move on. 2 nights later she calls me at 3 am telling me that she hears footsteps on the second floor of her house that used to be "our" house. She is there with my son and she thinks somone broke in and she wants me to go check who it is. Stupidly, I haul ass to the house which is a block from where I am staying with my friend. She is waiting for me at the door and lets me in saying downstairs is fine but she hasnt been upstairs. While she is speaking to me I look at her eyes, and notice she is looking away at the cieling as she speaks. I think about how if she doesnt want to look at me, why would she call me? I grab a bat, and walk upstairs feeling stupid and like a hero at the same time. Of course, noone or nothing was there. I walk down the stairs and ask her if I could my son a hug and kiss and she lets me, again looking at the cieling as she speaks. I kiss my son who is fast asleep and walk by her once more to notice we never made eye contact my entire visit. I leave confused but still with the idea that I was ther for my son more than anything intending to move on. The next day she goes to my friends to drop off an unimportant letter that arrived at her mailbox. I wondered why but didnt question her. Just said thanks and went back to my things. The following day she calls me to ask if I was off to watch my son for the evening. I was upset she called me at 5 in the evening to ask me but was happy that I worked so that I could tell her no, to which she replied" Oh. That sux" and stayed quiet after as if waiting for a response. I say "ok well I gotta go," and stuttering she says "oh. ok. uh. yeah bye". I hang up. The following day she sends me a letter just saying she is praying for me. That is when I finally give and ask her out again to which she ignores my request and once again makes me feel like a dumbass. This happened just a couple of weeks ago. Communication with her has been scarce since, only for conversations involving my son. I cant even remember when I saw her last.

             Well, the truly saddest part of this is that my son, I feel, is the main one suffering. Everytime I go to pick him up from his grandmas he beats everyone else to the door to see who it is, and when he sees it is me me just goes crazy with joy. Then when it is time to take him back to his mom's or his grandma's who babysits him, he stays sad and crying saying he wants to go with me. It breaks my heart every time. She even calls me at times asking me to pick him up knowing that I cant, then hangs up on me when I state that I cant. I am actually fed up with her attitude towards me, when I have only been nice to her. However, I miss my son so much, that I amazingly wish my family would be reunited. I have not seen her with anyone and fear that I do, however would have a hard time accepting any apology for lying or telling the truth about what she did to me. Multiple people tell me this often happens to many relationships. I wouldn't know. I just want my family back still and people around me say that more than like she wants the same, yet when I give into her actions, I push her away. I am an idiot when it comes to this shit. Any suggestions from anyone would be greatly appreciated.