Godamnit.... I know, I know. This death was a tragedy.
I just wanted to say a few words from the bartending and clubbing community in the light of this travesty.
"Jessica Skankbottom Jones, 23, of Everytown USA was killed this week in a horrific Blog accident on I-69. She is survived by a younger sister, Tammi Whoretobe Jones, and her parents Daddy Doesntmatter and Mother Careless Wasntthere-Jones.
The driver of the blog that killed her was Angie Cantfitin OneEleven. She was said to be under sever social stress, and had stopped taking her medication weeks ago. No further details of the girls condition were released."
From a "Former Man-Whore" / Bartender / Ultimate-Wingman, I am saddened by the loss of a skilled skank in the game of all "men's attempt at a quick piece of ass". There are also Cock-Blocking chubby friends out there who will no longer benefit from her escapades. Many drinks will be purchased without the help of men-whores everywhere in light of this loss.
Luckily, she will soon be replaced by her sister (once she gets that fake ID worked out) and she may only be 19, but I have feeling she will be a tight draft pick really soon.
I will be offering the following specials at our club in memorandum of "Jessica Skankbottom" until New Years day.
Man-Whores: First two drinks free. We need you extra lubed up and douchey due to the lower number's of skanks in the establishment. After that, you are on your own.
Wingmen: You will have your drinks free until you start buying them for the cock-blockers, and at that point, their drinks will be made double-strong, to help with your cause.
Cock-Blocking ugly friends: Your drinks will be double-priced, but you won't be notified, and won't notice the inflated bill. I have to make up the money from my other freebies somehow, and I have a feelig my wingmen will have you drunk enough that you won't notice the bill.
Skanks/Sluts: Your job is made easier by the reduction in competition in your area. You will receive no special offers. I will also refrain from trying to screw you on the bill, because unlike your disgusting friends, you will be getting fucked soon enough.
I would like to remind everyone to be safe this holiday season.
Have all the sex you can.
Hug your children.
Do a couple of nice fucking things that noone knows about.
...and goddamnit, tip your bartenders well.