Sex, Bunnies, and Bibles

Quite a few years ago there was a huge uproar about the movie “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” It seems the animators had a small lack of foresight. Someone responsible for drawing Jessica took undue advantage of the lass, and at one point when she lands on her ass after an unceremonious fall, for just a frame or two in the movie you can see right up her skirt and...surprise! No undies!

The problem came up when the movie was transferred onto video. Now on VHS and Betamax there is a rather crappy 25fps rate that kept you from seeing anything. But if you were one of those lucky people who got the first issue laserdisks (yes, laserdisk...NOT DVD) then you got a rare treat few people ever got to enjoy before all those disks were yanked off the market and new ones were issued. The artists just were not aware that the technology had the ability to do that.

When asked why they would do such a thing, the artists simply replied that after drawing millions of frames of artwork, you get a little bored and a little punchy. It was common for an artist to slip a little joke into an animated movie. Makes you wonder what's out there lurking in other films.

But then, adding sex into movies or television or plays and disguising it as something else is hardly new. Let's take a look at America's bestselling book. The little black book. The Bible. Let's start the way they do, with Genesis. In the modern versions, chapters 9, verses 20-25 talk about how Ham sees Noah passed out drunk in his tent and makes fun of him to his brothers. The brothers don't think it's funny, then go into the tent backwards to cover up their father so they don't see him naked. After Noah gets out of his stupor he curses Ham's son, Canaan (New International Version) "Cursed be Canaan! The lowest of slaves will he be to his brothers." Kinda harsh.

But when we go back to the Vulgate (the first written collection of all the Bibles texts in Latin) verse 24 implies much darker things. It suggests after his brothers left, Ham used Noah for sex like a drunken woman because he was 'smaller'. Now that curse makes a bit more sense. Turning someone's son into a slave because they saw you naked is ridiculous. Doing it because they incestuously raped you while you were dead drunk and make fun of your penis size is still disturbing, but more reasonable. But then again, Bible sex is all over the place, if you just know what the language or translations mean.

For example, while Leviticus clearly states in the Commandments that adultery is a sin. Yet in Second Samuel 11:4-5 it talks about how David kidnaps Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah, a loyal soldier to David. David has his way with Bathsheba and even gets her pregnant (and for a while refuses to do anything about the baby) but apparently prayers were said and “she was purified for her uncleanliness and returned to her house.” That's right. Committing adultery with a woman against her will is her fault, and though it's a tremendous sin, prayers and bathing somehow make it okay again.

And in First Corinthians, it says that sex before marriage is just fine. Bear in mind, the context here defines 'virgin' as an unmarried woman, NOT the term we are used to that says a virgin is a person who hasn't had sex (see 1C7:34) Nevertheless, in chapter seven, verse 36 it says: 'But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry.' (King James Version) In other words it isn't sinful to have sex with any woman or girl who is unmarried, regardless of her age, as long as she has started her period. And for those of you who think that at the end it hints that it's okay so long as they get married, just read couple lines down in verse 38: 'So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.' read right. The Bible says that as long as a woman is unmarried and she has started her period you can be a player.

One of the ones I love to hear from people is that homosexuality is forbidden in the Bible. Is it really? Well, let's take a look. Leviticus really hammers away at what it refers to as sexual 'abominations'. Among these are acts of incest, being naked, and the phrase 'Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.' is interpreted as meaning homosexuality. But the real issue is what the heck the 'law' is against these 'abominations'. There it gets kind of vague. 'For whosoever shall commit any of these abominations, even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people.' Well what does that mean? Who the heck are 'their people'? Does the Bible provide help elsewhere? By golly it does! First Kings 14:24 clarifies it, specifying that sodomites (those people having anal sex) were to be dealt with as follows: 'and they did according to all the abominations of the nations which the LORD cast out before the children of Israel'. That's right. The only real punishment for being homosexual (or having anal sex for that matter) is that you're not allowed to be a Jew.

But one of my real favorites is the smut in Ezekiel 23. There it talks about two sisters. The older sister 'doted on her lovers...all them that were the chosen men of Assyria...Which were clothed with blue, captains and rulers, all of them desirable young men, horsemen riding upon horses...with all their idols she defiled herself.' What does that mean? It means she liked sleeping with stylish, powerful young men of good breeding. And the 'with all their idols she defiled herself' means when they weren't around she used the dildoes they gave her to keep herself happy.

The younger sister apparently had even more lovers than her older sibling. But she tended to favor 'paramours whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses'. Once again...translated...she liked lovers that were hung like donkeys and came like horses. Yeah...this is a little risque for the Bible, but it's in there, verse 20.

So these girls really liked sex with attractive, powerful, well-hung men. And what did they get for it? 'For thus saith the Lord GOD; I will bring up a company upon them, and will give them to be removed and spoiled. And the company shall stone them with stones, and dispatch them with their swords; they shall slay their sons and their daughters, and burn up their houses with fire. Thus will I cause lewdness to cease out of the land, that all women may be taught not to do after your lewdness. And they shall recompense your lewdness upon you, and ye shall bear the sins of your idols: and ye shall know that I am the Lord GOD.'

That's right. If you like sex with attractive, sexy men than you should have your bodies broken with stones before being stabbed with swords, any children you have should be killed, and your houses should be burned to the ground. And you should know that God wants this to be done to you.

Am I the only one having a WTF moment here? People are following a book that says it's not a sin for a man to kidnap and rape young girls and other men's wives so long as he prays? A book that says if you're a woman you had best only have sex with ugly men who have tiny penises? And that all of this kidnapping, rape, murder, and arson is just fine...but sex is bad? Hey...maybe that's why our movies and television shows are like that! They are just following Biblical law. Yay God!

Uploaded 10/12/2008
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