It's 2:30 A.M. on Tuesday. I got Indian food in my gut that needs to be wrapped to-go in a turdban on its way to Poopistan. Now, I share a bathroom with my roommate. Using the toilet at this time of night will probably disturb him. ABUSING the toilet will definitely disturb him. I like the guy. Don't wanna do that. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta doo-doo. Damn it! It's creamy! This means 15 minutes of wiping. Because I'm thorough like that. And NO WAY I'm bringing chocolate chips into bed. The main problem is, I use Charmin Ultra (the best toilet paper on planet Earth. Super soft.) And from trial and overflow error, I have learned that my toilet can only accept 4 wipes. Or else it overflows. I am NOT overflowing the toilet at 2:30 A.M. on a Thursday.

Dude, 36 wipes. I told you, it was mad creamy. For those keeping score at home, that's NINE flushes. At Flush 3 I was sweating, because now I hear coughing. Crap! His girlfriend is sleeping over! Now she knows I got the nizasty caramel squirts! Ugh!

But thank God its over... uh-oh... Boom! India just did a nuclear test out my ass. Damn it! More hot brown lava spits out from my volcanic colon.

More coughing. Theyre choking on my poison gas. I gotta get out of the bathroom. I really want to shower. But the noise! Why dont I just march a circus through their room now? I mean really. It already smells like elephants. The 4th wipe before my 12th flush reveals just a hint of brown. I know I have just 1 more wipe. Should I risk it? You dont understand. My toilet takes a while to flush. 13 seconds for it to fully refill the tank. Yes, I counted. Are you paying attention? Ive been in there for 12 flushes!

I risk it. 2:47 A.M. on a Thursday, I overflow the toilet!