Small Towns...Love em or hate em....they're out there

The first thing youve got to understand about a small town is, about 90% of the population of that town hates every aspect of their lives and the other 10% just gave up on trying to make it better, started smoking a lot of pot, listening to classic rock and spend the majority of their time in their front yard with their back to whatever giant industrial monstrosity is the superior vena cava of their town. Pondering shit like why the fuck someone thought the idea to pave the road to the shit hole their grandparents decided to settle in and their irresponsible teenage parents couldnt afford to escape from before they gave birth to them was a good one.

Most people have some I passed through the most fucked up small town ever  story stowed away in their conversation starter chest of wonders that they bust out at family functions, high school reunions, office Christmas parties and pretty much any social situation where there is alcoholic beverages that are being mixed up and passed out for free. Free being the operative word in that sentence, because anyone who is paying 5$ a drink to listen to some asshole talk about his small town adventures probably lives four doors down  in the same shit splat town as the wanna be Morgan Freeman asshole who practiced his hilarious monologue for three hours before staggering down to the bar to find some poor schmuck to perform it for in hopes that he knows a guy who knows a guy who does casting for King of Queens.

There are probably 9,000,000 reasons WHY living in a small town sucks more ass than that perpetually broken pinky toe you cant stop stubbing on the table leg at night and I certainly dont intend to go into every single god damned one of them. However I think that a few need to be addressed for all you people whos Passing through a small town story is less than pleasant and more disturbing than hilarious and still leaves you trying to figure out what the fuck happened to you on your way through West Nowhereville.

Growing up in a small town is like being the ashtray at a coke party. Youve been stuck in the same shitty living room, with the same shitty people for three fucking decades. Yeah the carpet changes and every so often a new couch arrives or somebody blows up the kitchen making hash, but youre still stuck in the same spot of the same room listening to the same assholes yammer on about the same monotonous bullshit fuckin story about how they couldve won that fight if they only did this and this differently or how some total skank fucked them over and thats why they had to put off going up north to work for another year, if only they hadnt met that ho theyd be fuckin rollin right now. You just want to scream into this pathetic assholes face Guess what, that fight happened in  grade fuckin 11, you know,  two years before you went spiraling into the broke, jobless, same shoes for twelve years storm drain of Jack Daniels and Canadian classic silvers that you currently try to pass off as a life. News flash! Youre thirty fuckin two GET OVER IT! And by the way you broke up with her like 3 years ago cause she fucked all your friends and gave you gonorrhea. OH YA and the reason you cant go work up north is cause you failed all your drug tests cause YOU ARE A COKE HEAD!!!  but you cant, because youre just an ashtray.

 Thats another aspect of living in a small town that blows ass, you can have opinions and thoughts and some of them might actually be able to help a lot of people that you know, but on the grand scheme people listen to that green thing that started on the floor of the shower that has somehow managed to climb half way up the wall even though they spray it with the detachable showerhead at full blast at least once a week for advice five hundred percent more than anyone who is six months older or younger than themselves. youre either too young to know or too old to get it. I still think that the only thing theyre going to get is a staph infection from showering their ingrown toenails right beside a ten year old patch of wall climbing algae, but hey that patch of algae has somehow managed to survive the molten blast of the showerhead so it must know a thing or two that we dont know about getting by in life. If youre not talking to them through that magical glowing rectangle that rules their lives, then you might as well be holding down a stool in a darkened local pub (dark because they just dont want to spend the money on electricity to keep the lights on not for dramatic effect) spouting off nonsense about how back in the day you got straight As but decided to take a year off after high school to find yourself. I guess it takes five decades of welfare, hookers, open sores, and a liver transplant to find yourself these days. By the way your ex, ex wife called again, she said she never got your cheque, again and that shes taking you to court, again.

Ex, ex wife, that brings me to my next point, if youre lucky enough to live in a small town like the one I came from youve heard about this situation more times than youve heard from your birthfather. Theres this super tight, best friends forever type group of girls, youve seen them, they even have the bracelets and necklaces to prove it. Theyve been friends since the womb, all their moms were in the hospital delivering together and they all love oreo cookie blizzards, skinny jeans, and wearing green. They make several pacts over several years that nothing will ever come between them. Nothing. Ever.  They hit high school and take their growing popularity super mega seriously. Seriously. A couple of the friends branch off into different language and art clubs, you know, the things that losers do. Not popular girls like them, but the core group remains one solid clenched fist that can never be opened. Then one day one of the girls starts dating a popular guy and just like any high school dating situation most of her friends start dating all of his friends. Drama, Drama, Drama for a couple years, she breaks up with him, he dumps her in public, two guys fight over one girl, two girls fist fight over one guy, she made out with him while she was dating him, she lost her virginity to him but told the next guy she was a virgin and everyone ended up with chlamydia. Then it of them is pregnant and of course this 17 year old boy who was previously a chest puffing member of the wu tang clan ultra man, until he heard about the pregnancy and has since rekindled his love of sandwiches with the crusts cut off and mommy tucking him in at night is denying that they were ever even together, let alone having sex.  So preggers and her best friend tube top come up with this miraculous plan that tube top is going to go talk some sense into old batman pajamas. She calls him up and asks him to meet up with her to talk about whats going on, because she cares about them both. Guess who ends up dating old batman pajamas, youre top. Who wouldve guessed that six months down the road tube top is starting to look more like muffin top and it comes out that she is pregnant too. With preggers having not spoken to her in 6 months, and batman pajamas flying the coop again(surprise, surprise) she is alone. I could go on and on about how this twisted little debacle multiplies and winds up with the same 5 guys impregnating upwards of 20 girls but seriously you can all guess how the teen sex fiesta ends up. For those of you that cant Ill fill you in quickly. It ends up in about 10 or so years of everyone sexing up everyones current or ex-boyfriend, most of them end up with herpes or something equally unpleasant, about 50 illegitimate children and feuds that run so deep people arent even exactly sure why they hate each other, but god dammit THEY DO. Ladies, thats why if you ever go into a super store, Wal-Mart, Zellers, McDonalds  or Exxon gas etc. in a small town and the chick behind the till with the teased bangs and three foot fingernails is staring you down with eyes that could make an onion cry, its because shes racking her brain and trying to remember if it was you that slept with the love of her life way back in grade ten and ruined the rest of her whole existence with a few haphazard unsatisfying pumps. Or if not her, then maybe you happened to screw anyone elses boyfriend that she ever knew or maybe you might be one of the 10 girls who left town after graduation and never came back until just now and its time to make up a really juicy story about what youve been up to so that you will seem less attractive on the meat market that is the dating scene. Trust me, her lee press on nails are not only picking her thong out of her ass while she rings through your tampons with the other hand, theyre also poised and ready to get on the phone and dial Arlene over in housewares to come to the front and have an old fashioned public confrontation. BITCH. Long story kinda short, everyones penetrated or been penetrated by everyone else, no one really ended up with who they wished they wouldve and even though the demographic of people that were speaking about right now is 30+ they still refer to their grade 9 squeeze as the one that got away. They all have the same I got fucked over hard excuse for being stuck in their shitty situation. Which boils down to that they either stuck around the crater of a town that theyre from cause they got knocked up and couldnt afford to go anywhere else or they decided to stay for someone who had a kid and had to stick around for their one weekend every other month and two Christmases a year visitation schedule, only to come home early from work three years later and find old unfaithful pounding away on their so called best friend that they met six months ago down at the bar on $3 shot night. Hey, they were just watching the comedy network and smoking weed and one thing lead to another ok?


You can see why small towns are like that cluster of zits on your back, just when you think your girlfriend gets all the puss squeezed out and the crusty bits where the giant bumps used to be have finally flaked off and things are seemingly looking up and getting better.BAM. your parents stop in for dinner.


Uploaded 06/14/2012
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