Still Not Cool

Do you remember a time when you could drive through and under-pass with your windows down in the summer, without having to worry about a Harley biker revving his engine?  Do you remember a simpler time when you can count, on one hand, the number of motorcycle owners is your neighborhood?  Do you remember when your friends and family used to get outraged when someone had extra loud exhaust?  The good ol days right?

It feels a little unoriginal to make fun of Harley-Davidson bikers after the South Park episode, The F Word did such a thorough job, but I must press on.  Things like fanny packs and Crocs didnt go out of style because of one person making fun of them.  It took an applause of facepalms to make them faux pas.  So lets take a look how sub-human Harley riders are, and what we can do to fix the problem.

First of all, let me make a distinction.  I do not wish that every motorcyclist would die a painful and ironic death, just the ones who piss me off.   The ones who piss me off tend to ride Harleys.  Why?  Mostly because theyre loud as fuck.  As a guitar player, I have no problem with loud, but theres a difference between healthy loud, and loud as outlet for your erectile dysfunction.  Ninjas (crotch rockets or whatever theyre called) get loud when they go fast, which is understandable.  Harleys, however, are loud the moment your crank them up.

Before I get  carried away pointing out how insanely retarded it is to own a bike solely because its loud, why is a crotch rocket called a crotch rocket?  I would argue that name is much better suited for a Harley.  When you present your cock to someone, the usual stance is to thrust your pelvis forward, and flex in some way.  The only way to ride a Harley is to be in this pose, and let your manhood live vicariously though the bike.  Crotch rockets make you lean forward with your arms outstretched, almost like superman.

Unfortunately, one of my friends recently purchased a one-man-fag-train (thats what theyll be referred to the rest of this essay because I cant keep typing Harley without my blood boiling).   According to him, the manufactures of the one-man-fag-train recommend getting the loudest exhaust possible so people on the road are aware of your presence.   Ill give you a minute to take that in.

...The reason why they are so obnoxiously loud is for safety reasons.  Safety.  Safety!?  Does that not render all your street cred as a bad-ass, who doesnt care what the rest of the thinks of you, invalid?  Do they give you a lower insurance rate for having a, more engaging exhaust system?  Out of all the reasons to have loud exhaust, that is the gayest.  Thats so gay they may as well start putting decorative tassels on their bikes.

Oh wait!  They do!

Admittedly, Im in a better mood demonstrating how much of a punchline these guys are.  I know its temporary though.  Ill eventually have to drive under a bridge with my windows open, and so will you America (not the fuck you America, but the America that reads all the way to this line.)  So how do we do protect our delicate ears from this most frequent nightmare scenario?  Well, next time someone you know is interested in buying a bike, tell them all the reasons why Hello Kitty is so much cooler.  It shouldnt be hard.

Uploaded 11/08/2010
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